Today, we had the first proper snow of this year/session. To say the least, its gorgeous. An exquisite art work in the making. It makes me sigh and brings out that silly little romantic in me. Oh yes, if you know me well, it is impossible for me to ever admit it, but I am. Despite the fact that it hasn't happened to me yet(HAH and nor is it time for it to happen abhi)and haven't seen real romance as of yet, I still do fully beleive in romance. Its out there somewhere, just don't know where. Pshh, cheesy. But anyhow, snow is romantic.
I think it makes everything seem so nice. The brown leafless trees seem alive in the white colour(almost like virtue). All the streets seem nice and clean. All the dust from the wear in the day is all gone. Snow covers up the nasty, all of it. All the different front porches of all these homes are covered to make them look the same. Snow covers up my sorrows and guilt at least temporarily. It makes me feel strong. Empowering snow is the best. It motivates me. It makes me hope. Hope for the better. It makes me have faith in change and this time change for the good. Yes, change for the good.
For the while that I was walking outside in the street and in the cold, I felt warm. It didn't ease that hollow but it did keep me warm. Its weird though, I am just passing my days and not living them. I am not suicidal but I don't mind death. Its a weird state of mind, this and the fact that I can be at this state without any illegal/legal sedatives makes it even funnier. I don't know where my words have gone or my actions. Even with less words, I used to be able to have an influence and now with more words, it seems as though all the action is lost. I am indeed dazed and confused. The two aliases I used to go by and Lord do I hate them and that time or well atleast part of that time sucked. I am in the puddle of weirdness. I just don't know. Maybe, I will go and sleep now. Sleep deprivation during the holidays is just pure sadness.
(hollow days- DT)
Thursday, December 28, 2006
Wednesday, December 27, 2006
.She masks it under her mask.
Under those powdered white cheeks,
Lay that young girl,
At the street corner,
In her humble sanctuary
Under the sparrow’s nest
Who would watch the sky in hope of a drop of rain.
She would dream of clouds,
Of monsoon,
Of puddles,
Among the giant craters in the ground below her tiny,
Precious feet.
Eyes wide open,
And fixated upon the screeching sunlit sky,
Waiting, watching, waiting, watching
She would fail, yet never sigh.
The past would call out louder,
But the present would deafen it.
The embraced symphonies of the past,
Would be overtaken by the cacophonies of reality.
The screams, the terrors, the ordeals.
Her smile would now fade.
She would turn back to becoming that doll
The one with powdered, white cheeks and red lips
The smile of an empress,
The smile for the millions
Yet the mask would hide,
Yet the mask would mask,
That permanent frown, the frown of a courtesan,
Never witnessed by a layman.
Lay that young girl,
At the street corner,
In her humble sanctuary
Under the sparrow’s nest
Who would watch the sky in hope of a drop of rain.
She would dream of clouds,
Of monsoon,
Of puddles,
Among the giant craters in the ground below her tiny,
Precious feet.
Eyes wide open,
And fixated upon the screeching sunlit sky,
Waiting, watching, waiting, watching
She would fail, yet never sigh.
The past would call out louder,
But the present would deafen it.
The embraced symphonies of the past,
Would be overtaken by the cacophonies of reality.
The screams, the terrors, the ordeals.
Her smile would now fade.
She would turn back to becoming that doll
The one with powdered, white cheeks and red lips
The smile of an empress,
The smile for the millions
Yet the mask would hide,
Yet the mask would mask,
That permanent frown, the frown of a courtesan,
Never witnessed by a layman.
Monday, December 25, 2006
Its 1:34 am and I am waiting.
I was talking to my sister upstairs when we somehow started talking about how people await change. They are always waiting for some kind of a change. She laughed at the idea but I do find the idea of 'waiting on a miracle' to be quite true. Are we not always waiting for something, either its big or small is of not much importance. Its a cycle, we wait, we get, we wait, we get and we wait for more. For something 'new', anything 'new' everytime. I may be out of my mind here but I am waiting everyday, everyhour, every minute. Waiting.
There is a picture I found from last fall on my computer that I captioned 'waiting'. Its not a nice picture but it says 'waiting' to me.
There is a picture I found from last fall on my computer that I captioned 'waiting'. Its not a nice picture but it says 'waiting' to me.
Friday, December 22, 2006
Chapter 2
Taking her arms out of her jacket, Nayab placed it on the back of her chair as she sat down on the chair opposite to Ali’s. He was still oblivious of the fact that Nayab had already seated herself, taken out her novel and about to kick Ali’s shin (the only way to catch the bloke’s attention is to aim for his funny bone). As soon as the front of her loafers hit his leg, he knew that Nayab was already there and that she had been waiting for his attention for over five minutes. The thought about Nayab and being at the end of his puzzle suppressed the pain response (which would/should have been a loud shriek) and he was back to his normal sense within a few minutes.
They started off with drinks. Italian Lemon Soda, Limonata, was her usual while he wanted a big bad class of peach iced tea. Despite eating out during happy hour, which tempted everyone to order a Cosmopolitan and get the other, free, the two stuck to their rather ‘soft’ beverages that allowed them to last the entire evening of conversation/revelation and of course a safe drive/subway ride home.
After two rounds of drinks, the hydrochloric acid level in their stomach was high enough to devour large courses that Capocacia served, have space for desserts and to avoid gaining much weight. It was something Nayab stuck by all through high school, university and now work; she would chew gum or drink lots of fluids to get the acid level in her stomach high up and then eat a tonne of food. There would be enough to digest the bulk of food and she wouldn’t gain much weight. Appetite induction was what she called it. It was good though. She needed it. A petite brunette with almost 4% body weight was anything but ‘healthy’ according to her GP. Ali, being the foodie he was and someone with a super high metabolism, could eat as much as he wished and still not gain a pound. So, Fridays were the perfect chance for the two to share everything including their own mini food-fest.
They finally ordered food which didn’t take much thought. They ordered their usual of a pasta and a pizza. They would mix and match it to their fancy and hence avoiding Nayab’s potential outburst on wasting food and leaving it unfinished. Ali, on the other hand, didn’t bother much. It was a leftover, it was to be disposed off and not be used another time. This week’s choice was a classic Margarita pizza along with salmon and Penne cooked in almond sauce drizzled with olive oil.
Food was in process when Nayab began by reviewing her week, which had been a long one. With due dates, presentations and internship reviews, she was quite tied up. The lack of sleep showed on her pale face too. The brunette whose appearance, that usually paralleled perfection, was down today. Dark Circles under her eyes, semi un-plucked eyebrows, her side bangs un-straightened lay flat on either side of her head. She obviously didn’t condition her hair nor did she straighten the frizzy mess commonly knows as her shoulder length brown hair. She needed to sleep but had it not been their regular Friday thing, she would have been curled up in her bed. Rather, she was here with Ali, smiling a little bit, worried, frowning at the state of affaires. Her probationary period at her internship placement was over and she had been through a few reviews. Each and every article that she had submitted had been reviewed to the core and she had been slammed (verbally/metaphorically) many a times. The girl was still working to get a regular slot as a news reporter for The Toronto Star. She wanted to be one of those elite writes in the paper whose articles would be highly awaited by everyone in the households and offices and others. As an anthropology and journalism major, she was a very well read individual yet with time management, she was still a sucker.
In comparison to Ali who was a king at getting things done on time and not stressing too much even in the midst of the biggest of the messes. A ‘laissez-faire’ personality was his identity and he did follow ‘carpe-diem’ in all aspects of life. Women, life, work, school, family, relationships and his car were a reflection of his spontaneous-ness. He was awesome at his job as being a marketer wasn’t only his passion but was also something he was born with. His speaking skills always got him through what would get others to break and fall and his wit was apt always made him stand out in a crowd of young entrepreneurs who were willing to do whatever it took to make it to the top(even if it meant dropping their pants or their morals six-feet under). Nayab was the only one person who was a constant in his life. Somehow despite constant disagreements, they did get along and very well too.
He snapped his finger to make Nayab come out of her daze. She was concentrating so hard on the space between her fork and the spoon in front of her that it amused Ali. He understood her state being under the workload that she was under. He did want to lighten the situation and so;
Ali: Wake up, Einstein! (While pinching Nayab’s cheek)
Nayab: I am awake, don’t fire me!(Petrified)
Ali(laughing): Awesome, the food is here. Eat up, daahlin’. We have plenty of talking to do.
Nayab (smiles): You make my day y’know
Ali: And she makes mine (drooling over Liza walking past the restaurant window while being engaged in some sort of an argument over the phone).
(And she sighs silently)
They started off with drinks. Italian Lemon Soda, Limonata, was her usual while he wanted a big bad class of peach iced tea. Despite eating out during happy hour, which tempted everyone to order a Cosmopolitan and get the other, free, the two stuck to their rather ‘soft’ beverages that allowed them to last the entire evening of conversation/revelation and of course a safe drive/subway ride home.
After two rounds of drinks, the hydrochloric acid level in their stomach was high enough to devour large courses that Capocacia served, have space for desserts and to avoid gaining much weight. It was something Nayab stuck by all through high school, university and now work; she would chew gum or drink lots of fluids to get the acid level in her stomach high up and then eat a tonne of food. There would be enough to digest the bulk of food and she wouldn’t gain much weight. Appetite induction was what she called it. It was good though. She needed it. A petite brunette with almost 4% body weight was anything but ‘healthy’ according to her GP. Ali, being the foodie he was and someone with a super high metabolism, could eat as much as he wished and still not gain a pound. So, Fridays were the perfect chance for the two to share everything including their own mini food-fest.
They finally ordered food which didn’t take much thought. They ordered their usual of a pasta and a pizza. They would mix and match it to their fancy and hence avoiding Nayab’s potential outburst on wasting food and leaving it unfinished. Ali, on the other hand, didn’t bother much. It was a leftover, it was to be disposed off and not be used another time. This week’s choice was a classic Margarita pizza along with salmon and Penne cooked in almond sauce drizzled with olive oil.
Food was in process when Nayab began by reviewing her week, which had been a long one. With due dates, presentations and internship reviews, she was quite tied up. The lack of sleep showed on her pale face too. The brunette whose appearance, that usually paralleled perfection, was down today. Dark Circles under her eyes, semi un-plucked eyebrows, her side bangs un-straightened lay flat on either side of her head. She obviously didn’t condition her hair nor did she straighten the frizzy mess commonly knows as her shoulder length brown hair. She needed to sleep but had it not been their regular Friday thing, she would have been curled up in her bed. Rather, she was here with Ali, smiling a little bit, worried, frowning at the state of affaires. Her probationary period at her internship placement was over and she had been through a few reviews. Each and every article that she had submitted had been reviewed to the core and she had been slammed (verbally/metaphorically) many a times. The girl was still working to get a regular slot as a news reporter for The Toronto Star. She wanted to be one of those elite writes in the paper whose articles would be highly awaited by everyone in the households and offices and others. As an anthropology and journalism major, she was a very well read individual yet with time management, she was still a sucker.
In comparison to Ali who was a king at getting things done on time and not stressing too much even in the midst of the biggest of the messes. A ‘laissez-faire’ personality was his identity and he did follow ‘carpe-diem’ in all aspects of life. Women, life, work, school, family, relationships and his car were a reflection of his spontaneous-ness. He was awesome at his job as being a marketer wasn’t only his passion but was also something he was born with. His speaking skills always got him through what would get others to break and fall and his wit was apt always made him stand out in a crowd of young entrepreneurs who were willing to do whatever it took to make it to the top(even if it meant dropping their pants or their morals six-feet under). Nayab was the only one person who was a constant in his life. Somehow despite constant disagreements, they did get along and very well too.
He snapped his finger to make Nayab come out of her daze. She was concentrating so hard on the space between her fork and the spoon in front of her that it amused Ali. He understood her state being under the workload that she was under. He did want to lighten the situation and so;
Ali: Wake up, Einstein! (While pinching Nayab’s cheek)
Nayab: I am awake, don’t fire me!(Petrified)
Ali(laughing): Awesome, the food is here. Eat up, daahlin’. We have plenty of talking to do.
Nayab (smiles): You make my day y’know
Ali: And she makes mine (drooling over Liza walking past the restaurant window while being engaged in some sort of an argument over the phone).
(And she sighs silently)
Thursday, December 21, 2006
Even the winter nights are not the same.
We don't have any snow this year and nor do I have that awesome 16th floor balconey/window to snap a picture everytime I felt like it.Secondly, in this new house, we don't have a balconey. We have an awesome french window looking over one of the most beautiful parks ever. Moving can have a toll too. I find that I was more creative back there in Thorncliffe but the north isnt bad either. At least the noises outside don't/can't make it into your house/room/head. Good that I left you all there.
I am on chapter 3 now and I like italian food.
Wednesday, December 20, 2006
Chapter 1
Vanilla Crème with Nutmeg Sprinkles was his Friday regular at Capocacia. Due to his regular weekly visits, he was familiarized not only to the venue but also too well versed with the serving staff. The dropping of the keys of his sleek blue Volkswagen Golf on the table indicated that he was there to stay. He would tuck away his black wool knee length coat at the coat check, while tipping the coat-taker generously. His table would have a reserved sign until and up to the landing of those car keys. After so, the table was open, open for Ali and, of course, the date he awaited.
During his wait for the friend who arrived at four, he took out his personal copy of the day’s Financial Post and Globe and Mail. He would line them up on the side whilst he pulled out his pocket crossword book and started where he left off last Friday. Ali was a geek for those road-side puzzle books. Even after having completed and mastered hundreds of them in the last thirteen years of his life, his fascination lived on and so did the business of the Gateway’s shopkeeper, who would get enough new and different puzzles that made Ali a regular.
Upon the arrival of his drink, Ali looked at the clock at the opposite end of the restaurant and read the time off it. It was fifteen to four. This gave him enough time to finish off his concurrent puzzle, a quick freshing-up visit to the loo, let his drink cool down to the temperature he liked and turn his blackberry bureau off. In the next fifteen minutes, he would be perfectly ready to face his date, who he hoped to lord would be late.
‘Timely-ness’ was Ali’s obsession. He would be on time wherever he would go and sometimes even went to his rendezvous before time, just so to reduce and eradicate any possibility for late-ness. But when it came to his Fridays, he liked his date to be late. It would buy him more time to get through his puzzle book and of course watching the centrepiece of Capocacia (Let alone Capocacia, the centre of young street), while filling away the black and white boxes.
His mighty luck didn’t support him though where as soon as the clock struck four, in walked his date, carefully running on her Suede Aldo loafers. Her beige overcoat followed as she turned on the walkway into the restaurant. Amongst the mist of the cold November rain, Nayab smiled as she walked up to the table where Ali sat fixated upon his teenage mania.
During his wait for the friend who arrived at four, he took out his personal copy of the day’s Financial Post and Globe and Mail. He would line them up on the side whilst he pulled out his pocket crossword book and started where he left off last Friday. Ali was a geek for those road-side puzzle books. Even after having completed and mastered hundreds of them in the last thirteen years of his life, his fascination lived on and so did the business of the Gateway’s shopkeeper, who would get enough new and different puzzles that made Ali a regular.
Upon the arrival of his drink, Ali looked at the clock at the opposite end of the restaurant and read the time off it. It was fifteen to four. This gave him enough time to finish off his concurrent puzzle, a quick freshing-up visit to the loo, let his drink cool down to the temperature he liked and turn his blackberry bureau off. In the next fifteen minutes, he would be perfectly ready to face his date, who he hoped to lord would be late.
‘Timely-ness’ was Ali’s obsession. He would be on time wherever he would go and sometimes even went to his rendezvous before time, just so to reduce and eradicate any possibility for late-ness. But when it came to his Fridays, he liked his date to be late. It would buy him more time to get through his puzzle book and of course watching the centrepiece of Capocacia (Let alone Capocacia, the centre of young street), while filling away the black and white boxes.
His mighty luck didn’t support him though where as soon as the clock struck four, in walked his date, carefully running on her Suede Aldo loafers. Her beige overcoat followed as she turned on the walkway into the restaurant. Amongst the mist of the cold November rain, Nayab smiled as she walked up to the table where Ali sat fixated upon his teenage mania.
Monday, December 18, 2006
It just reiterates the point:
Hell is other people- Jean Paul Sartre
In closure to the last post. indeed:)
In closure to the last post. indeed:)
So what is it that I wanted to say?
Lay Down with me .. Whisper your lies .. says:
so what happened to that webcam you were getting
. says:
o yeahh, haven gotten it
. says:
i m kinda trying to swear off msn
. says:
so i dont need it
Lay Down with me .. Whisper your lies .. says:
not gud
You have successfully received C:\Documents and Settings\SF\Desktop\Rahat Nusrat Fateh Ali Khan - (Paap) Mann Ki Lagan[1].mp3 from Lay Down with me .. Whisper your lies ...
. says:
well
. says:
i m kinda anti social aaj kal
. says:
which is like my new thing now so yeah
Lay Down with me .. Whisper your lies .. says:
have u noticed
. says:
?
Lay Down with me .. Whisper your lies .. says:
how saying i am anti social is just saying im busy n dunt want to make an effort nymore
. says:
i dont know. when i say anti social, i mean that I really dont socialise much no more. its not that i dont make an effort. i m selectively social now
. says:
thats probably more 'right'
Lay Down with me .. Whisper your lies .. says:
well there
Lay Down with me .. Whisper your lies .. says:
u r choosy about who u like
. says:
its not that if I dislike you, I wont talk to you
Lay Down with me .. Whisper your lies .. says:
do u dislik me ??
. says:
NO doh silly
. says:
i have no reason to dislike you
. says:
some ppl do bad things to you and it messes you up, those are the people,. i m avoiding
. says:
they make you more of not yourself, those i m avoiding
And Then I sat there thinking what exactly I wanted to say and what came out and what I was thinking.Do I need to have a reason to not be a socialite fool(yes, so me)anymore and isn't that term just reason enough? Basically, speechless. bull-shit.
Sunday, December 17, 2006
Earth, Fire and Water: Preface
They would meet at four almost every Friday afternoon of the year unless one or both of them were out of town. In the South east corner of Capocacia, Nayab and Ali would show up for their regular rendezvous’'. The last table on the South East side would be their place to eat, meet, greet and everything in between. In the short span of approximately a year, the two had grown fond of each other and had become 'best friends'. They talked about everything from life, to food, to books, to music, to people, to family, friends, clothes and even jobs. The funny thing was that other than passion, the two didn’t have anything in common. They had opposite views on everything, now be it food, clothes, books, music, women/men and even politics. Yet despite the deadly differences that led to heated debates, they still cherished the company of the other and stuck like glue to each other through good and bad times.
Friends, they were and adapted to every difference they had amongst them. Ali wouldn’t mind Nayab’s obsessive compulsiveness about table manners, anti smelly socks-ness and constant panic attacks, while she 'tried' to ignore him smoking during courses while eating, wreck less driving and even flirting with any and every woman in a 5 meter radius. In some ways, they were like a couple. They would finish each other's sentences, know exactly what the other person would say and look out for each other be it Sundays, Mondays or any days. They read to each other, be it menus, books, newspapers and even traffic tickets. To her, he was the only 'HE' in existence. To him, she was great. She knew he was the one for her but even after trying so much, she just couldn’t be that woman he wanted. That slightly older woman, who he longed for. That maturer woman, who emanated class, beauty, and success. To him, Nayab was a companion, a friend and no more.
Liza was the woman he wanted.
Liza, an ex-diplomat. Currently on self-proposed retirement, she was every aspiring economist's wet dream. With her petite figure, snuggly wrapped in white chiffon Saree, bronze colored stilettos, lush black hair tied poised in a French twist, and Smokey kajal smeared almond shaped eyes; she walked like she owned the world. Power-house woman she was, with men of all ages oozing lustrous gazes at her. She walked like Younge Street (the Manhattan of Toronto) was her runway and she alone was the one and only model on it. Her strut was uptight enough to show touches of finishing school, and showed enough pride as to not over-do and be seen as an ignorant rich snob. Using her brain as her weapon and her presence as gun-powder, she was the perfect-one-woman-power-house.
And of course in the midst of the hopefuls, stood Ali. The one who could punch numbers and theories in and out of the computer at the speed of light, with a show-man life style of any successful metro sexual twenty six year old. He oozed passion and drive, which showed all too much when Liza would be around. Of course, the ‘Eye-sex' thing she did with him got Nayab tied up in tangles and knots that would take infinity to untie. In Liza, Nayab saw competition; she saw both predator and prey. She saw what she needed to be if she wanted to be in Ali's world. But, alas, the irony of it all prevailed. The one that was everything he wanted vs. the one who wanted everything he was.
Ali, the love-struck fuck who was looking for that last inch of perfection in women that would make him drop to his knees and pop the question.
Nayab, the 'good-girl' with the bad-boy best friend/crush/first and last love.
Liza, the vixen as sleek and velvet and red wine. Let’s just say she won’t be running short of Chanel and Versace dresses and perfumes any time soon.
Toying with destiny and zodiacs, the three warriors representing earth, fire and water. There is much to come, much more than eye-sex, book-readings, brunches and day-dreams.
Friends, they were and adapted to every difference they had amongst them. Ali wouldn’t mind Nayab’s obsessive compulsiveness about table manners, anti smelly socks-ness and constant panic attacks, while she 'tried' to ignore him smoking during courses while eating, wreck less driving and even flirting with any and every woman in a 5 meter radius. In some ways, they were like a couple. They would finish each other's sentences, know exactly what the other person would say and look out for each other be it Sundays, Mondays or any days. They read to each other, be it menus, books, newspapers and even traffic tickets. To her, he was the only 'HE' in existence. To him, she was great. She knew he was the one for her but even after trying so much, she just couldn’t be that woman he wanted. That slightly older woman, who he longed for. That maturer woman, who emanated class, beauty, and success. To him, Nayab was a companion, a friend and no more.
Liza was the woman he wanted.
Liza, an ex-diplomat. Currently on self-proposed retirement, she was every aspiring economist's wet dream. With her petite figure, snuggly wrapped in white chiffon Saree, bronze colored stilettos, lush black hair tied poised in a French twist, and Smokey kajal smeared almond shaped eyes; she walked like she owned the world. Power-house woman she was, with men of all ages oozing lustrous gazes at her. She walked like Younge Street (the Manhattan of Toronto) was her runway and she alone was the one and only model on it. Her strut was uptight enough to show touches of finishing school, and showed enough pride as to not over-do and be seen as an ignorant rich snob. Using her brain as her weapon and her presence as gun-powder, she was the perfect-one-woman-power-house.
And of course in the midst of the hopefuls, stood Ali. The one who could punch numbers and theories in and out of the computer at the speed of light, with a show-man life style of any successful metro sexual twenty six year old. He oozed passion and drive, which showed all too much when Liza would be around. Of course, the ‘Eye-sex' thing she did with him got Nayab tied up in tangles and knots that would take infinity to untie. In Liza, Nayab saw competition; she saw both predator and prey. She saw what she needed to be if she wanted to be in Ali's world. But, alas, the irony of it all prevailed. The one that was everything he wanted vs. the one who wanted everything he was.
Ali, the love-struck fuck who was looking for that last inch of perfection in women that would make him drop to his knees and pop the question.
Nayab, the 'good-girl' with the bad-boy best friend/crush/first and last love.
Liza, the vixen as sleek and velvet and red wine. Let’s just say she won’t be running short of Chanel and Versace dresses and perfumes any time soon.
Toying with destiny and zodiacs, the three warriors representing earth, fire and water. There is much to come, much more than eye-sex, book-readings, brunches and day-dreams.
Saturday, December 16, 2006
Saturday.
Today is my first saturday off from work since september. The reason being my Zoology final on tuesday, which I need to start preparing as soon as I am done with this blog and doritos.Its so awesome to be home on a saturday. I got lots of stuff done that was pending for what seems like forever. I(finally) cleaned my closet, organised my clothes, hung them neatly and ofcourse sorted out the ones I needed to give away to charity. Even though, I don't shop for too many clothes(I make an effort to avoid buying too many clothes) but the pile of clothes that I have chosen to give away is HUGE. There are pants(some of them never worn), some worn out T-shirts that my mom despises and others that have been ruined because of too much bleach. But anyhow, my closet is cleaner, more compact and its easier to look through when you think something has disappeared off the face of the earth. But yeah, I am content. I like giving charity during the holiday season because of the whole holiday season thing. But its nice so good. good.
Another lovely thing about this saturday is new music. Yayy, thankyou Poet. I am downloading all of the Blackfield and I feel very greedy but so happy inside. I like nice, new music.I am pretty much hooked on Open Mind and Perfect World. Very daunting to say the least. I am actually done downloading all of the blackfield and now am moving on to No Man. Good music always makes my day along with a big pack of doritos and saaf suthri working space. So now, I will go and finish up my downloads and start on some Zoology.
Thankyou again poet:)
Give me another hour or so and I should be done and THANKYOU AGAIN:)
Another lovely thing about this saturday is new music. Yayy, thankyou Poet. I am downloading all of the Blackfield and I feel very greedy but so happy inside. I like nice, new music.I am pretty much hooked on Open Mind and Perfect World. Very daunting to say the least. I am actually done downloading all of the blackfield and now am moving on to No Man. Good music always makes my day along with a big pack of doritos and saaf suthri working space. So now, I will go and finish up my downloads and start on some Zoology.
Thankyou again poet:)
Give me another hour or so and I should be done and THANKYOU AGAIN:)
Friday, December 15, 2006
Cold Water it is.
Such a weird feeling_This odd one at the back of my gut. Feels like we are stuck in the midst of cold water with a bridge of guns connecting the two shores. It was hard enough to breath, now balance and walk?What shit!
Anyhow, yeah. I should check my voicemail and organise the meet-up next wednesday. Sania Aapa is getting engaged, FINALLY!After all the drama starting from mizraab forum mod forum to London and to now, I am happy for her. Despite the fact that he is a jerk.And I want to write so much but this stupid PC is so odd to use, when you have been using a faithful laptop, day in and day out for four years. I need my cord back ASAP!
sublime.
Anyhow, yeah. I should check my voicemail and organise the meet-up next wednesday. Sania Aapa is getting engaged, FINALLY!After all the drama starting from mizraab forum mod forum to London and to now, I am happy for her. Despite the fact that he is a jerk.And I want to write so much but this stupid PC is so odd to use, when you have been using a faithful laptop, day in and day out for four years. I need my cord back ASAP!
sublime.
Wednesday, December 13, 2006
Tuesday, December 12, 2006
Monday, December 11, 2006
Tear down these walls for me now
This is so hard for me
To find the words to say
My thoughts are standing still
Captive inside of me
All emotions start to hide
And nothing's getting through
Watch me
Fading
I'm losing
All my instincts
Falling into darkness
Tear down these walls for me
Stop me from going under
You are the only one who knows
I'm holding back
It's not too late for me
To keep from sinking further
I'm trying to find my way out
Tear down these walls for me now
So much uncertainty
I don't like this feeling
I'm sinking like a stone
Each time I try to speak
There's a voice I'm hearing
And it changes everything
Watch me
Crawl from
The wreckage
Of my silence
Conversation
Failing
Tear down these walls for me
Stop me from going under
You are the only one who knows
I'm holding back
It's not too late for me
To keep from sinking further
I'm trying to find my way out
Tear down these walls
Every time you choose to turn away
Is it worth the price you pay
Is there someone who will wait for you
One more time
One more time
Watch me
Fading
I'm losing
All my instincts
Falling into darkness
Tear down these walls for me
Stop me from going under
You're the only one who knows
I'm holding back
It's not too late for me
To keep from sinking further
I'm trying to find my way out
Tear down these walls for me now
Tear down these walls for me now
It's not too late for me
Tear down these walls for me now
(These Walls_ Dream Theater)
This song is MY song. It feels like Petrucci and his men are playing it to me. It fits so-so well. I have been hooked on it since last summer when the album came out. It was my playlist in London, when I went back to kathmandu and ofcourse, the last time I stepped foot in Muzaffarabad, the city that we/I had seen/known it to be(before it became a massive burial ground). It send off all these noises in my head that should make me scream out loud, but rather I am numb and unable to do anything. The fact that I am not the same passionate person I once was. This passive aggressive bull that Maynard kept on mentioning might have gottten to me along with that darn earthquake that had to kill the wrong people and leave ones (me) to hear about the rubble. Fuck man, I don't even talk to anyone anymore. I have these lovely new friends, but the old ones,the ones I was crazed about last year?Hardly, ever talk. Its good though, less drama. But everytime anyone wants to know whats in my head, I keep on thinking about my friends back home. I haven't heard what happened to any of them after the earthquake. It wasn't fair man. Not all of them.Here, I can't understand why one left and if all of them are gone, what the fuck am I doing here?and WHY?
Exams are killing me. I really don't know what is wrong with me.I am overwhelmed, restless and silent. wtf?I was never this. No, actually I do speak- just the wrong things. Screw that, I am going to go cram bio now. Hope that I can keep myself from falling apart.Need prayers and miracles for these exams. AMEN
To find the words to say
My thoughts are standing still
Captive inside of me
All emotions start to hide
And nothing's getting through
Watch me
Fading
I'm losing
All my instincts
Falling into darkness
Tear down these walls for me
Stop me from going under
You are the only one who knows
I'm holding back
It's not too late for me
To keep from sinking further
I'm trying to find my way out
Tear down these walls for me now
So much uncertainty
I don't like this feeling
I'm sinking like a stone
Each time I try to speak
There's a voice I'm hearing
And it changes everything
Watch me
Crawl from
The wreckage
Of my silence
Conversation
Failing
Tear down these walls for me
Stop me from going under
You are the only one who knows
I'm holding back
It's not too late for me
To keep from sinking further
I'm trying to find my way out
Tear down these walls
Every time you choose to turn away
Is it worth the price you pay
Is there someone who will wait for you
One more time
One more time
Watch me
Fading
I'm losing
All my instincts
Falling into darkness
Tear down these walls for me
Stop me from going under
You're the only one who knows
I'm holding back
It's not too late for me
To keep from sinking further
I'm trying to find my way out
Tear down these walls for me now
Tear down these walls for me now
It's not too late for me
Tear down these walls for me now
(These Walls_ Dream Theater)
This song is MY song. It feels like Petrucci and his men are playing it to me. It fits so-so well. I have been hooked on it since last summer when the album came out. It was my playlist in London, when I went back to kathmandu and ofcourse, the last time I stepped foot in Muzaffarabad, the city that we/I had seen/known it to be(before it became a massive burial ground). It send off all these noises in my head that should make me scream out loud, but rather I am numb and unable to do anything. The fact that I am not the same passionate person I once was. This passive aggressive bull that Maynard kept on mentioning might have gottten to me along with that darn earthquake that had to kill the wrong people and leave ones (me) to hear about the rubble. Fuck man, I don't even talk to anyone anymore. I have these lovely new friends, but the old ones,the ones I was crazed about last year?Hardly, ever talk. Its good though, less drama. But everytime anyone wants to know whats in my head, I keep on thinking about my friends back home. I haven't heard what happened to any of them after the earthquake. It wasn't fair man. Not all of them.Here, I can't understand why one left and if all of them are gone, what the fuck am I doing here?and WHY?
Exams are killing me. I really don't know what is wrong with me.I am overwhelmed, restless and silent. wtf?I was never this. No, actually I do speak- just the wrong things. Screw that, I am going to go cram bio now. Hope that I can keep myself from falling apart.Need prayers and miracles for these exams. AMEN
Saturday, December 09, 2006
Winners at Winners:P
Long day today. Good time at work. Saturdays are good to work. A good pace. Not many line-ups. No need to change multiple rolls, one is enough. Tony, Mona, Roderick, Helqa and Me(upstairs)=40% of today's sales. Awesome shit. Area 2 is the win(no pun intended).heh.
I come home in an odd mood today though. A mix of happy and sad and confused and very worried. Its okay though. Its just the fact that finals start tuesday and I hear some music and it just speaks what my mind is saying/thinking/feeling:s.
Now I got that feeling once again.
I can't explain, you would not understand.
This is not how I am.
(Pink Floyd,Comfortably Numb)
dinner and then organic chem all-nighter. Chapters 10, 11, 15 and 17. Yes, yes.
I come home in an odd mood today though. A mix of happy and sad and confused and very worried. Its okay though. Its just the fact that finals start tuesday and I hear some music and it just speaks what my mind is saying/thinking/feeling:s.
Now I got that feeling once again.
I can't explain, you would not understand.
This is not how I am.
(Pink Floyd,Comfortably Numb)
dinner and then organic chem all-nighter. Chapters 10, 11, 15 and 17. Yes, yes.
Friday, December 08, 2006
Cold.
This temperament is seriously going to be the death of me. I would have been better off deaf, dead or atleast mute. Sometimes you love someone so damn much that you cant bear them being anything but perfect. Why?
What makes a 'good' love-song?
Words that compliment each other like honey and lime on butter-drenched crepes.With articulation of some unsaid and untold emotions-the ones which everyone can relate to(yet denies any relation or agreement to). The vows that are out the world; the ones so conceitedly metaphorical that reality seems to be seven skies away. Pouring of desire from the eyes of one to the other in that one look that is enough to bank the rest of one's life on.
Its not only about holding hands, PDAs and love letters. There is more. Plenty, much more.There is simplicity in it and there is beauty in that simplicity.
(Anathema: J'ait Fait Une Promesse)
Its not only about holding hands, PDAs and love letters. There is more. Plenty, much more.There is simplicity in it and there is beauty in that simplicity.
(Anathema: J'ait Fait Une Promesse)
Wednesday, December 06, 2006
Save my day!
Today was one of the days that starts off quite okay and then goes to worse and finally to being one of hair-pulling disgust/restlessness/feeling nasty. And then one phone call to mom, even if it was to tell her how my debit card is lost, is enough to kill all that nasty blue on this raindy day. Ami saves the day, for real!
And ahem the stranger on the subway. HAHAHAHA
we j-walked together. got onto the same street car. off at the same platform.got onto the same train and got out at the same stop. stood next to each other, all the way there and went to EXACTLY the same place to eat. HAHAHA. mein barri waili hoon, i notice too many things about random people. listening to Dr. Chang's recording for the last nine hours doesn't help eh, plus the fact that you can hear her breathing and her slightly weird pregnant-person waalay jokes. My mind is quite on the off-side today..heh.
Back to the next 5 lectures before Dr. (Corny)Malcolm's 13 kick in. God help me!These recording make me yawn like I haven't slept in centuries. heh.
And ahem the stranger on the subway. HAHAHAHA
we j-walked together. got onto the same street car. off at the same platform.got onto the same train and got out at the same stop. stood next to each other, all the way there and went to EXACTLY the same place to eat. HAHAHA. mein barri waili hoon, i notice too many things about random people. listening to Dr. Chang's recording for the last nine hours doesn't help eh, plus the fact that you can hear her breathing and her slightly weird pregnant-person waalay jokes. My mind is quite on the off-side today..heh.
Back to the next 5 lectures before Dr. (Corny)Malcolm's 13 kick in. God help me!These recording make me yawn like I haven't slept in centuries. heh.
Monday, December 04, 2006
Winter mein.
I love frosted cornflakes. These kellogs people are so smart. Cornflake ka invertor person is very smart too. Cornflakes rock so much. ohkay, so now that-that is out of my system, I can come back to some sanity(or not).
My neck is sorta better but feels so ajeeb si. Its almost annoying to have these stupid spasms last so long. I just finished my cup of kashmiri chai and my head feels lighter, which should help me get rolling with my biology lecture recordings. I have to get atleast 5 more done before I call it a night. I am so cold, sick and behind. It sucks. eek. O yeah, it snowed today while I walked home from the bus stop. It was so nice to see snow after aaagess. Plus, its so different to see the first snow in the suburbs compared to downtown. There is so much serenity in the air here, compared to Thorncliffe which bustled even at 2 am. But yeah, snow was nice. Puurtty.Under the red christmas from peoples' homes, the white snow on the road looked majestic. I wish I had a camera. But even if I did have one, I wouldn't have taken a picture because I am lazy and umm I am not very spontaneous that way.
Also, I am inspired to getta haircut after the exams. I remember that I had my dramatic cut last year around the same time. I am thinking of something similar. Haircuts are fun but they always make me miss having longer hair.
My neck is sorta better but feels so ajeeb si. Its almost annoying to have these stupid spasms last so long. I just finished my cup of kashmiri chai and my head feels lighter, which should help me get rolling with my biology lecture recordings. I have to get atleast 5 more done before I call it a night. I am so cold, sick and behind. It sucks. eek. O yeah, it snowed today while I walked home from the bus stop. It was so nice to see snow after aaagess. Plus, its so different to see the first snow in the suburbs compared to downtown. There is so much serenity in the air here, compared to Thorncliffe which bustled even at 2 am. But yeah, snow was nice. Puurtty.Under the red christmas from peoples' homes, the white snow on the road looked majestic. I wish I had a camera. But even if I did have one, I wouldn't have taken a picture because I am lazy and umm I am not very spontaneous that way.
Also, I am inspired to getta haircut after the exams. I remember that I had my dramatic cut last year around the same time. I am thinking of something similar. Haircuts are fun but they always make me miss having longer hair.
Sunday, December 03, 2006
sleep, drugs and rock n'roll.heh.
I need to fix the way I sleep. I need to sleep like a civilised person, multiple 360 degree turns are not the bestest for my back, which is still fucked even after 20 physiotherapy sessions. And now my neck(again) is in pain and TILTED. I slept around 2 am on friday and woke up 3 hours later with a piercing pain(I seriously thought that someone was drilling a hole into my neck and fitting screws in it). Bloody horror. Woke up with that stiff neck. Cired/wailed like a dumbass kid and woke ammi up.The product=Neck Spasm. ARGH!AGAIN!The last one was in kathmandu, when I was in grade 9 and passed out by the tv, to be woken up for dinner and in the baddest(most badass) neck pain. erk
I can't tilt my head to the left. I cannot turn my neck so if I want to look to my left, I need to turn my body around and then my right side faces the side that was my left before. Now, it sounds retarded but its true.
Bleugh. I am tired of strangling myself with a wool scarf and hats.No amount of advils and tyenols are anygood so I am on these muscle relaxants.They are good though.My neck feels more mobile since I drugged myself up with 'em pills. But they sound so sketch. Muscle relaxants?hehe. The funny thing is that the warning on the box says that kids under 6 can be seriously intoxicated lethaly if they took all the pills at once so I wonder barron ka kia hota hoga. hehe:P
i find my urge to blog plentily about everything to be sad. sad, sad.
I can't tilt my head to the left. I cannot turn my neck so if I want to look to my left, I need to turn my body around and then my right side faces the side that was my left before. Now, it sounds retarded but its true.
Bleugh. I am tired of strangling myself with a wool scarf and hats.No amount of advils and tyenols are anygood so I am on these muscle relaxants.They are good though.My neck feels more mobile since I drugged myself up with 'em pills. But they sound so sketch. Muscle relaxants?hehe. The funny thing is that the warning on the box says that kids under 6 can be seriously intoxicated lethaly if they took all the pills at once so I wonder barron ka kia hota hoga. hehe:P
i find my urge to blog plentily about everything to be sad. sad, sad.
Friday, December 01, 2006
The Magic is Lost.
I was planning to write something of my take on a romantic story but then I realised I can do that later too. I was talking to a friend today and realised how much I actually missed highschool. No, I don't miss it because of the friends, or the fact that it was small enough for all us to know each other and nor do I miss it because of the good ol' stclair/thorncliffe days. I miss it because I miss how I used to work. Yes, I used to work like ass. I would not lie and tell you that I didn't because I never took a day off, apart from fridays when we hit country style or Tims and talked TOK.I miss how I was so much keener. I was more honest. I was fucking happy despite the fact that pearl and tam beat my ass to higher grades more often that not. I was happy because I knew how much I worked and how much I didn't and hence all my grades were my responsibility.
I hate how I slack to much now. I hate how people are so different at my uni. Every effing person is a keener but me. Darn, I miss being able to feel awesome about something I handed in. The Allnighters, The reviews at Tims/Country/Toronto Ref/Deer Park/Rosedale reservoir/TTC/Thorncliffe park/Valley/starbucks/st Clair-Yonge. God, I miss it all.
Now, I m here, where I WANTED/DREAMT to be and I am letting it all go. The magic is fucking lost. Fuck that, I need to work till the 19th. 18 days and then I can do whatever the fuck I want. Stay of msn or not, blog or not, sleep all day or not, drive like a maniac or not, watch movies or not and most of all: BE HAPPY.
It better come back, eh. And we are machines at making it come back, just need to find/follow and stick to the right way.
Ok, I think I feel releived. Maybe, I will write about romance because HBC is celebrating it this winter. Then, why not?!
And then chem lab after followed by bio recordings.
moeeeeen*
I hate how I slack to much now. I hate how people are so different at my uni. Every effing person is a keener but me. Darn, I miss being able to feel awesome about something I handed in. The Allnighters, The reviews at Tims/Country/Toronto Ref/Deer Park/Rosedale reservoir/TTC/Thorncliffe park/Valley/starbucks/st Clair-Yonge. God, I miss it all.
Now, I m here, where I WANTED/DREAMT to be and I am letting it all go. The magic is fucking lost. Fuck that, I need to work till the 19th. 18 days and then I can do whatever the fuck I want. Stay of msn or not, blog or not, sleep all day or not, drive like a maniac or not, watch movies or not and most of all: BE HAPPY.
It better come back, eh. And we are machines at making it come back, just need to find/follow and stick to the right way.
Ok, I think I feel releived. Maybe, I will write about romance because HBC is celebrating it this winter. Then, why not?!
And then chem lab after followed by bio recordings.
moeeeeen*