In the past, I lived in and for the future. In the present, I have been trying to re-live the past that once was. I think this right here is why I lost my way.
There, I said it.
Friday, March 30, 2007
Wednesday, March 28, 2007
To blossom blue is to blossom without you.
Its such a different spring, this spring. I am uninspired, lost and definitely not focused. The fact that I miss all of you sucks even more, makes it harder. It definitely does. These are the hardest days of our lives and for what its worth, its all blue despite this warm, bright sun.
I need grace. I am lost without it.
I need grace. I am lost without it.
Monday, March 26, 2007
audioslave.
Audioslave put things into perspective on the train ride from home to campus. There is so much going on. You try to make it through all that jazz, trying to stand up and be brave. You put yourself in this cold, stone-hard shell where you seem to be this perfectly strong person who can carry their world on your shoulders.They are convinced so they load you up with expectations and aspiration. You put on that strong act, you try to follow through with it. You keep up that cold exterior and then you see someone saying that they HATE you and it hits you. Now, you feel cold and alone on a sidewalk at the bottom of a hill. You are too sad and scared to go up, but you can't show it. You just can't.
Even Sadaf baji can break down, you knnow..
Even Sadaf baji can break down, you knnow..
Friday, March 23, 2007
Thursday, March 22, 2007
Tuesday, March 20, 2007
Saturday, March 17, 2007
Sunday, March 11, 2007
hope.
Everybody's got a hold on hope It's the last thing that's holding me
- Hold on Hope - Guided by Voices
(postscret)
Tuesday, March 06, 2007
Monday, March 05, 2007
At my most beautiful: part 2.
I get overwhelmed when I go into Gerstein. I think its because of my insecurity when I am in that place. All the people who are in Life Science study at Gerstein. You got to the computers, the person next to you has the same Human Bio course book as you, hence in your class. You look at them and then on the screen they are looking at, they are reviewing lecture notes, or listening to lecture recordings or even on Biome.
It scares you so you move and get yourself to a corner spot. A couple of people on the next table spend the whole day reading The Bio text book and annotating their slides, memorising, reading, learning. You look at yourself, the fool that you are, the over ambitious dumb ass who hasn't yet seen a sight of a 4.0 gpa at uoft. You feel so disgusted with yourself, You hate your life. You don't hate life sciences but you hate the school you are at. You feel heavy, you feel like crying. You rush to the ladies room. You lock yourself up in a stall and have a good cry. You are still conscious of the others in the washroom, so you hurry out, wash your face with ice cold water and get out of there before anyone sees your puffy, bloodshot eyes. You are walking out when you run into people from your classes. You see Wess, you try to avoid him but you say hi. Then you see Alina and Raza walk out and Alina stops you for a little chat. You open the door to the stairs and you see Usman with his bunch of friends who know your other friends(who are all life sciencers). You make small-talk with them while your head is pounding.
You finally get out, breath the cold winter air. You see Con Hall in front of you. You feel happysad. You know that this is/was your first choice. You loved it when you came here for the first visit. You are happy because you feel warm knowing the giant commonly known as Uoft but you feel sad at the lack of work you do, even though you are here. You feel so gutted. The aweful feeling of being at Gerstein returns when you are crossing King's Circle and approaching Knox.
Your head is heavy and so you decide to go home. After a two hour commute later, you are home with your books open but you feel too tired to work so you go to sleep. You wake up the next morning, get ready for class, pack up your books, print off the lecture slides and head out. You decide to work at woodsworth today and you go into the study space, find a table, lamp and chair and sit your ass down for the longest, grueling 9-6 studying period before your HMB midterm in Kruger Hall. You study during the day, taking a long an hour and a half lunch with Aila where all you can think about is how you will screw up the midterm. Your food tastes like nothing but you eat it because you are hungry and you get back to work. You give your midterm and you come out. You feel weirdly numb(comfortably, perhaps?). You feel lighter. You don't know the outcome yet. You think that you gave it your best.
You feel lighter. The ride home from campus doesn't feel so long anymore. You actually feel happy inside your head. You try to compare it to something you have felt before. You remember it and you smile. It was always this. This was exactly what you were missing. The high that you have after you feel like you have genuinely gotten some work done is where you feel most releived. The warmest in your own skin and definitely as your most beautiful.
It scares you so you move and get yourself to a corner spot. A couple of people on the next table spend the whole day reading The Bio text book and annotating their slides, memorising, reading, learning. You look at yourself, the fool that you are, the over ambitious dumb ass who hasn't yet seen a sight of a 4.0 gpa at uoft. You feel so disgusted with yourself, You hate your life. You don't hate life sciences but you hate the school you are at. You feel heavy, you feel like crying. You rush to the ladies room. You lock yourself up in a stall and have a good cry. You are still conscious of the others in the washroom, so you hurry out, wash your face with ice cold water and get out of there before anyone sees your puffy, bloodshot eyes. You are walking out when you run into people from your classes. You see Wess, you try to avoid him but you say hi. Then you see Alina and Raza walk out and Alina stops you for a little chat. You open the door to the stairs and you see Usman with his bunch of friends who know your other friends(who are all life sciencers). You make small-talk with them while your head is pounding.
You finally get out, breath the cold winter air. You see Con Hall in front of you. You feel happysad. You know that this is/was your first choice. You loved it when you came here for the first visit. You are happy because you feel warm knowing the giant commonly known as Uoft but you feel sad at the lack of work you do, even though you are here. You feel so gutted. The aweful feeling of being at Gerstein returns when you are crossing King's Circle and approaching Knox.
Your head is heavy and so you decide to go home. After a two hour commute later, you are home with your books open but you feel too tired to work so you go to sleep. You wake up the next morning, get ready for class, pack up your books, print off the lecture slides and head out. You decide to work at woodsworth today and you go into the study space, find a table, lamp and chair and sit your ass down for the longest, grueling 9-6 studying period before your HMB midterm in Kruger Hall. You study during the day, taking a long an hour and a half lunch with Aila where all you can think about is how you will screw up the midterm. Your food tastes like nothing but you eat it because you are hungry and you get back to work. You give your midterm and you come out. You feel weirdly numb(comfortably, perhaps?). You feel lighter. You don't know the outcome yet. You think that you gave it your best.
You feel lighter. The ride home from campus doesn't feel so long anymore. You actually feel happy inside your head. You try to compare it to something you have felt before. You remember it and you smile. It was always this. This was exactly what you were missing. The high that you have after you feel like you have genuinely gotten some work done is where you feel most releived. The warmest in your own skin and definitely as your most beautiful.
Thursday, March 01, 2007
At my most beautiful.
My parents are the best thing that has happened to me. I am indeed a very lucky person to have them on my side, all the time. I, on the other hand, am still trying to make them happy/proud/lucky that I am on their side. I feel that I used to have this one spark in me that died in the past year. The spark reassured me that I was good enough to be part of this family, my family. Every passing day, I try to find that spark again. And yet, I give up on it by the end of the day. I won't stop trying though. Try everyday, everyhour.
My parents really are the best and I pray for them everyday. I pray that we all can grow old together. My family of four is brilliant, we are even better in the bigger picture when we are with our chachu, mamus, phupos, etc. I actually have a functional family unlike some people I know. I actually LOVE to hangout at home with my folks than out in some party or a mall with friends. Maybe because I am at my happiest with them that I never wanted to give into the peer pressure of the clubbing/drugs business. I like being clean and I am doing my level best to get rid of the wrong kind of socialising in my life. The socialising whereby you spend hours trying to fix up the other person's life. You go as far as losing sleep over them and making international calls at weird hours of the day. All for what?For people, you haven't met, nor will ever meet but just know through someone or something in many cases(re: forums,msn). What a waste I am. What a waste.
Abu and Ami talked the other day and he asked her a few things about Sarah and I. It broke my heart, it really did. I hate how ami broke into tears when she talked to me about what he said. All he asked about was school and to tell us that 'bachay parho aur kuch nahi'. They deserve better, everyday. I can't change history but I can make/change whats to come. I going to be that better for them. I will do anything and everything to be that better. That better that I should(should've already been) be and the better that they deserve.
InshAllah!
My parents really are the best and I pray for them everyday. I pray that we all can grow old together. My family of four is brilliant, we are even better in the bigger picture when we are with our chachu, mamus, phupos, etc. I actually have a functional family unlike some people I know. I actually LOVE to hangout at home with my folks than out in some party or a mall with friends. Maybe because I am at my happiest with them that I never wanted to give into the peer pressure of the clubbing/drugs business. I like being clean and I am doing my level best to get rid of the wrong kind of socialising in my life. The socialising whereby you spend hours trying to fix up the other person's life. You go as far as losing sleep over them and making international calls at weird hours of the day. All for what?For people, you haven't met, nor will ever meet but just know through someone or something in many cases(re: forums,msn). What a waste I am. What a waste.
Abu and Ami talked the other day and he asked her a few things about Sarah and I. It broke my heart, it really did. I hate how ami broke into tears when she talked to me about what he said. All he asked about was school and to tell us that 'bachay parho aur kuch nahi'. They deserve better, everyday. I can't change history but I can make/change whats to come. I going to be that better for them. I will do anything and everything to be that better. That better that I should(should've already been) be and the better that they deserve.
InshAllah!