If there is ever going to be a way for me,

I really need this to work. You know what it is that I need. You know why I need it. You know how much I need it. I am lost already but this will help me fix me, fix all of this. This mess that I have tucked under the carpet under layers of stuff to cover it up. I really need this to go well. Really, really badly.

I asked myself whether or not I am tough enough for this. After almost 21 years of existing, I really am shocked, ashamed, afraid of that question. There is no die for me, its do. It seriously is do, do, do and no die. I am not weak. You didn't fail. This is going to work. I swear I am going to make it so.

HELP!

Four minutes to save the world.

This summer is going to be crazy. Its pretty major in the grand scheme of things. I have to basically make this the best I have ever had. I have to work till I drop. Study day and night and afternoons. I have to make things right, take good decisions and actually decide about the future, something that I have been avoiding for over a year. I am scared, excited but the thought of afternoons spent at TRL really is exciting. I need lots of luck going into the major leagues and I have to think about T as well. I really think I should go but I have to think about it, pray on it to get some clarity.

M and guys are coming this summer so that should be fun. Abu is also coming. He has a sixth sense about us children, he really does. S and I haven't been talking and none of us told him but he asked me as if he was sure. He is the best and he deserves the best so I hope that the qualifying goes well for S kal and so she can make it into Com. I have a long battle of a summer ahead. Walking into a minefield, seriously.

People really overhyped the new madonna album. Her album actually sucks, no really. I don't understand how she sold millions. The tracks are shit and its the just cheesy. Except 4 minutes. Even that doesn't save the album.

tick. tock.

Run with me through rows of speeding cars.

My mind is racing at a thousand miles per second. I am a total scatterbrain and I seriously can't keep up. I am doing one thing and my brain is running wild at tangents that are miles long in every possible direction. All this uncertainty sucks. It hurts. I can't focus. I have exams and the MCAT coming up. I need to calm the fuck down.

Things have been better. Definitely much better. I just need to patient.

Jane Austen said on page 99 in Northanger Abbey.

"Where people wish to attach, they should always be ignorant. To come with a well-informed mind is to come with an inability of administering to the vanity of others, which a sensible person would always wish to avoid. A woman especially, if she has the misfortune of knowing any thing, should conceal it as well as she can."
Northanger Abbey, volume 1, chapter 14

I don't know. I really don't.