I am exhausted and can definitely do with a vacation right about now.

I hate how we have all become fragments.

We burried truth under playgrounds.

At the end of the day, you are alone with the things you have done.

(asofterworld)

Not stuck in reverse!

Yesterday, Poshi got her O level marks. She did brilliantly, that girl. She deserved it and SO much more. I remember it like yesterday when I went home after IB and there she was running around Mara Api and I debating between doing Matric or its british equivelent. She couldnt make her mind up, heh. Deep down, though, it was obvious that she was bound to do the Os and pass them flying colours. Never did she nor I think that years later, when she would be done, she would be in Islamabad and not Muzaffarabad in the comfort of her Upper Chattar home, getting phone calls and best wishes from cousins, aunts and friends, alike. We would have been driving around in Chachu's or Masood Uncle's gaari, going down to Madina Market, spending the last of every penny in our pockets for junk we didnt need and then going up to Chinari and pigging out while watching our serene little town.

Now our houses are rented out by NGOs who have been sitting on their asses and not doing anything to mend the cracks(literal ones) in our walls, roads, schools. Islamabad is (apparently) the new home now. The thought of it being home was nice before the earthquake, but now, we all just want to be back home. For now, Poshi is settling for a video I-pod, lots of phone calls and happysad tears all around. My youngest phupo is a trooper, she made all the difference.

:)

greysisdefinitelynotmedicinebutthisisit.

"Too often, the thing you want most is the one thing you can't have.Desire leaves us heartbroken, it wears us out. Desire can wreck your life. But as tough as wanting something can be...the people who suffer the most,are those who don't know what they want."

- Grey's Anatomy

I live for yesterdays.

If you know me, you would know how I love to rant about/think about my life currently compared to what it used it be.

You live for yesterdays

, a friend once pointed out to me. I wish that we could go back into that tiny window of time and live some of the good, some of the bad and even some of the nasty, just so that the life we are in today doesn't seem so aweful. I spend hours thinking about how one decision changed our course of life and then another one changed it more and then another brought us through twists and turns and led us to this. My mind has gotten used to multi tasking/thinking now. I can think about 'yesterday's debate' while doing whatever it maybe: work, read, study, panick, have a conversation with a friend about how her ex- and her were just a wrong fit or how your low gpa from first year will not completely screw up your chances of getting into Med School or even how I should be using the tredmill lying uselessly in the garrage.

I feel the change that I have gone through in the last 8 or so years. From being that shy little kashmiri girl to being a loud, outspoken, often corky and (seemingly) well- centered girl. I don't like what the transformation has led to and seeing all this change makes some people very happy and often proud of me. But this change doesn't seem to me as major as people around me feel it to be. I am still the same in-secure person who could(/does) cry at the drop of a hat. I still can't say what I feel and still keep everything botteled up in me. I hate how this 'exterior' change is something that people love to compliment and so I love to dig into old memories, times, things to make myself feel better. Life isn't horrible. Its just me, who can't stop complaining. I hate how post secret has to have the right postcard at the time when my mind is over worked, worried and too tired to let me sleep.

Maybe I should stop- here- now.

make sense?NO!NEVER