If you love me, won't you let me know?

Was a long and dark December
From the rooftops I remember
There was snow
White snow

Clearly I remember
From the windows they were watching
While we froze
Down below

When the future's architectured
By a carnival of idiots on show
You'd better lie low

If you love me
Won't you let me know?

Was a long and dark December
When the banks became cathedrals
And the fog
Became God

Priests clutched onto bibles
Hollowed out to fit their rifles
And the cross was held aloft

Bury me in armor
When I'm dead and hit the ground
A love back home unfolds

If you love me
Won't you let me know?

I don't want to be a soldier
Who the captain of some sinking ship
Would stow, far below

So if you love me
Why'd you let me go?

I took my love down to Violet Hill
There we sat in snow
All that time she was silent still

So if you love me
Won't you let me know?

If you love me,
Won't you let me know?

- CP.

You've gotta stand for something or you'll fall for anything.Fall for anything.

What a whirlwind!M is here with the family and so our house is full of way too many people at any given time. Its so hard to get work done and hence, I didn't , because I am an ass that way. My essay sucked and my midterm was atrocious and none of that is funny shit. I am basically screwed if I don't pull my socks and just get into it. I have a research paper and 2 exams to redeem myself and restore any remnants of a dignity that I have left. I am sure that both of my profs see me as a loser now, and actually a stupid loser. Regardless, I am not losing at life and so all the remaining course work will rock(INSHALLAHx999999999999).

I am currently beaming because I am a stupid teenager caught in a 20something's body. But yeah, how do we say, pathetic?Convesations should never make a person this happy unless that person is an idiot, or me. MCAT course ends tmrw and the test is fast approaching. I am sad that I haven't studied as much as I could and should have. This time though, no stone is going to be left unturned. I love my playlist and I love the script and cold play and Beerah and school. Although, parts of neuro do make me want to shoot myself in the eye and observe the neuronal activity. Ugh, life.

I'm on a boat and It's going fast and I got a nautical themed Pashmina Afghan.

INTENSE. Summer school is one crazy ass ride. Even D, who was all chirpy and excited about is, is swamped. Back-to-back assignments and exams plus prep sessions are totally uncool. I am enjoying the learning though, hah-most days that is. Hope I didn't screw up the tuesday exam(AMEN AMEN AMEEEEN). I love seeing Beerah though. She is so precious and cute-ey. S thinks that I need to stop stalking the little jaan but she is just the gorgeousness and such a poser. Bless, Bless!!

How do you make up for passion?

Petrarch had passion. He had so much of passion and love for Cicero that he wrote letters to him and even to Aristotle. He wrote a whole 3-act dialogue between him and Augustine. Augustine lived and died a 1000 years before him. I feel like I don't have that kind of passion and maybe thats why things feel harder to me. I don't have that instinct and that un-relenting love for anything, anymore. Maybe, the whole Mersault-esque life has made me just that, an ice queen. Petrarch was a humanist and they believe in leaving some kind of a mark in the world to remind people of themselves. I want to leave a mark too, a good one, a great one. I know that I have the love, the passion, the drive and even the blood lust for it, I just need to use it to get the wheels in motion.

New Day.

Take me on the floor .I can't take it any more.Just take me on the floor.I can give you more.

This week I have learnt that you are always one google search, one shrug, one msn update and four years away from your past catching up to you. Its dark but I guess this is life and nature. You realise that you are the under dog, the black horse, the one who got left behind and in all honesty you are a loser. You pick up your bags and your aligator tears and go or do you stay and be strong through it. You asked for appples and you got lemons. You can make lemonade, ent?BUT, you straighten out your back and make yourself a fine merangue. You devour it and love it. Its not about a martyr complex or pride but its about fighting and faith. I don't know if I have it. I might not(most of today, it was not there). Its a fight, it was a fight and if I want that slice, I need to put in the work and so I will. Lots and Lots of it. Every last word, breath, pause and lysozyme.Not that anyone needs to know but the regret will always be there. I admit. Sigh.

I can give you more

Test.

Its chemo. Its official. It is indeed chemo. 16 injections. 1 per 3 weeks for 12 weeks and then 1 every week for the rest. It is fucking cancer. I can't believe it. We all do so much, so much good and lots of bad. I understand that its a test but she is young, and now going to lose another part of herself. Its hard for her. The conversations are limited to haal-chaal, dawai, doctor's visits. There is a sick person who is very lonely and tired. She can't sleep, she can't weep and then there is the family, the visits and the phone calls. I hope that you will be well. Even if every hair follicle has to fall off, its okay because it will help you. I know God is listening and he cares for you and for all of us. He is the kindest and he will get us through. Just.be.strong.

I was standing in the corner with my five best friends. I knew that you were trouble but I couldn't resist.

Summer has a wonderful way of starting off. Its cool, green and beautiful and by mid august, it is sticky and humid. The transition is icky but I guess, it is what it is. Today is the first day of summer school. Well, it was supposed to be until JM decided that jlp was not a proper substitute for my csb requirement. I am pissed, relieved and very confused. I am excited about his243 and hoping that I get in. I hope that I can handle 4 straight hours of class in the same room but at least I have evenings off. I am still going to try nmc and see how it fares compared to the history.

I think that we have finally decided the vacation plans for this summer. Its going to be New York, Atlantic City and Washington all within a four day tour. Its either this or nothing so I am going to take it. I hope that it works out and hopefully Sarah and I can be off this thursday, which works because next monday is Victoria day.

I found the whole scriptures of sorrow album. DOTR has such a nostalgic feeling about it. I was almost in tears. Beautiful. I miss M but they are moving here so its going to be a great re-union.N's reports are good. She will be fine. Talking to A helped yesterday, a lot.

Summer School, Princeton Review and Hart House. Fun stuff. InshAllah.

‘Cus it’s a hard life, with love in the world. And I'm a hard girl. Lovin’ me's like like chewing on pearls .

Last thursday was the last day of classes and we have an exam study break until exams start next week. I am super nervous about exams because I can't seem to focus. I was supposed to be done reading all my primary documents for Mediaeval history and gotten through the three notebooks. I am still stuck on the first book and have only done two of the eight readings. Ugh, and then there is HPS, PSl and JMB. I am scared. Alhamdulilah, this year has been going smoothly(InshAllah will finish strong). I can't say enough shukar for that but my exam anxiety and my ability to screw up everything in life is coming back and I can't focus. I hope that I don't screw up. I have to get to campus asap because I just eat, sleep and talk when I am trying to study at home. InshAllah, I won't get side-tracked.
I am also super-excited about the crazy intense summer it will be.

Lady Gaga:D

Home.

I miss home. I really do. I used to miss home a lot more until recently. My country cannot even enjoy an art festival without riots and demonstrations now. This new government has given a new name to freedom and democracy. Even our dead politicians don't seem to stop haunting our present. I hope that things get better. I thought that the earthquake destroyed most of home, and it did, but now the bigger picture is threatened too.

Allah Khair Karay.

Jaana tha hummein abh jayein kahan.

I have a paper due this week and a math assignment due tommorow. I have been listening to Noori all day. It reminds me a lot of the past couple of years. I have been missing so much, so many people.I am in the homestretch for this semester. I need to really need to get some great work out there.I really hope that I can. I am scared to let this term finish. Obvious, you already knew that.

Professor Bob Goode.

Tue, Mar 10, 2009 -- Fall-2008-PSL201Y1-Y-LEC5101: Professor Goode
Dear students,

The following is a message from the course coordinators:

It is with great sadness that we announce the passing of Professor Bob Goode, a colleague, a teacher and friend. Professor Goode was involved in teaching PSL 201/200 since it’s beginning in 2000. He inspired his co-instructors and was immensely popular among students. His yearly appearance at the beginning of a Respiratory segment of the course was a welcome relief from a somewhat tedious teaching approach taken by other professors. Unlike the elaborate power point presentations used by other professors, Dr. Goode used only the blackboard and simple demonstrations. Who can forget his demonstration of the volume of the resting breath by asking for a large coffee cup from the audience or his illustration of maximal breath during exercise by pulling out a basketball from his bag of goodies?

Professor Goode not only talked the talk but he also walked the walk. His lectures included a story about a former member of the Physiology Department, Dr. John Grayson, who used a saying from the British Army that “one can walk no faster than one can talk”. Professor Good adopted this axiom and developed the famous “Talk Test” for physical fitness that he popularized in his lectures and publications.

Professor Goode passed away unexpectedly near his home in Muskoka where he lived on an island. He will be greatly missed and respectfully remembered.

The first time I heard about Professor Goode's passing, I couldn't get a word out. He was on of the best professors I have ever had. He was smart, engaging, funny and simply amazing. He was a student of Dr Kreb. He was at UofT when Roger Banister broke the 4-minute mile and he had all this history and knowledge in him. He was kind and such a good person. He was so inspirational. He made respiration physiology jump off the page and bounce right into you. I wish I could have taken more of his courses. I wish that the next decade of PSL201/200 kids could see him pull out that basketball and make the whole lecture of 400 people get out of PB and make them jog, JOG, run. I pray that he rests in peace.

The Way that things are.

Its election time at UofT and everywhere you look, people are campaigning and asking you to give them a chance. I have been at UofT for a while but this year feels very different. The whole campus is much more political now and this year, more than ever before, students are getting involved. I am looking forward to the elections and waiting for a better leadership to come to power. I am all for Jason Marin's ticket for CHANGE and I hope that he wins along with the rest of his ticket. My first reason for preferring their ticket was because he is the NCSC president as he is pretty darn good at it so I definitely want my college to represent on the UTSU. But then he came up to D and I and explained their position and I get it and I am all for it. I am going to vote for the first ever time at the UTSU elections and I am super excited.

The world is very political nowadays, much more so than I have seen it to be before. I am happy to see it and I am sad every time I come home from school and hear about what happened in Pakistan. I love my country with every fiber of my being. Both countries, Pakistan and Canada and I am proud to love them both. I don't openly talk about politics to strangers or to people outside my home because I have grown up seeing the aggression, the spirit it brings out in most of us and its a little scary to unleash that beast at times. But I did talk politics on tuesday to R and D and I am glad as hell that I did. I got to vent about how some people are hell bent on destroying one of the best places in the world and how the politicians are sitting on their asses. I wish someone like Michael Ignatieff could be the next Pakistani leader. I really wish it was possible. I know that I am not doing anything to help my country but explaining to those two girls as to why my country is not a lost cause and just in need of some old fashioned change felt good, felt right. I think that Zardari, if he intends to not have more of the pakistani people resent him, should listen to Ignatieff and replace Canada with Pakistan.

“We will occupy, we will monopolize the centre ground of Canadian politics. We will push them off to the left, we will push them off to the right and we will hold the dynamic centre ground of Canadian politics.” - Michael Ignatieff

gpb.

I loved gamma. I wonder if I will fit. HELP ME!

Change.

Barack Hussein Obama: 44th US president. As of today, there is a black man sitting in the oval office. This year has started with and promised a lot of change. I got to witness history, and yes our generation helped make it possible. Its scary to be on the verge of such a great chapter that is going to make changes to the history of our world. They will talk about it in the history books in a few decades. Standing in Sidney Smith Hall, with The Rule of St. Benedict, in my hand, there was something in that air. Change. Change.

No, tommorow is going to be just another day and nothing is going to be fixed in a day. But there is hope and change. So yes, fingers crossed Mister O.

I wish I could believe.

“Age has no reality except in the physical world. The essence of a human being is resistant to the passage of time. Our inner lives are eternal, which is to say that our spirits remain as youthful and vigorous as when we were in full bloom. Think of love as a state of grace, not the means to anything, but the alpha and omega. An end in itself.”

- Gabriel García Márquez, “Love in the Time of Cholera”

Nobody, Nobody!

Omg.Haha!So catchy!

change.

little explosions in the sky.

St. Michael's. Finally!Four years, Its been four years. Its probably more painful now to try to touch the band aid. Sandra Leucci's office was an experience. 3 hours of talking, just talking. HB action, talking and lots and lots of A4-sized sheets. Its just so hard to pick on the scab. Its much easier to put it away under a band aid and try to forget about, lest the inflammation action happens. So yes, St Mikes, after four years. I am so going to make the most of every single freaking second there.lanyard love.

HPS, JMB, PSL, HIS. Slow, steady up the steep hill.

deal.

Ami is back home now, Alhamdulilah. I hope her labs were okay. I guess we have to wait till the 27th to find out. Its just scary, fall, a scary time. September started off with a bang, really. Abaji is gone. Its been hard. I still can't accept his death and its hard. Last year and this year, we have had many a trips to SGH. As much as I love hospitals, the sight of her in that horrible bed and that blue gown is just something I cant stand. I have been thinking a lot about stuff lately and I don't think that I can deal with sick parents, I just cant. I am the eldest and can't show any tears even when the doctor is ripping apart someone who you love more than anything else in this world. I am abus' eyes and ears here so can't let a worry line slip or a tear in front of anyone. But I am scared, scared for them. I know that its a part of life and I can do sickness just fine but parents being sick is just a league of its own. September and october are such hard months. There is that horrible earthquake, the cousins lost, the home, the friends and then there is abaji's death, the two thyroidectomies, uff. It just better be okay. I seriously play that it is. Not TB, not cancer, nothing major, please. I just can't deal and be all grownup.