‘Cus it’s a hard life, with love in the world. And I'm a hard girl. Lovin’ me's like like chewing on pearls .

Last thursday was the last day of classes and we have an exam study break until exams start next week. I am super nervous about exams because I can't seem to focus. I was supposed to be done reading all my primary documents for Mediaeval history and gotten through the three notebooks. I am still stuck on the first book and have only done two of the eight readings. Ugh, and then there is HPS, PSl and JMB. I am scared. Alhamdulilah, this year has been going smoothly(InshAllah will finish strong). I can't say enough shukar for that but my exam anxiety and my ability to screw up everything in life is coming back and I can't focus. I hope that I don't screw up. I have to get to campus asap because I just eat, sleep and talk when I am trying to study at home. InshAllah, I won't get side-tracked.
I am also super-excited about the crazy intense summer it will be.

Lady Gaga:D

Home.

I miss home. I really do. I used to miss home a lot more until recently. My country cannot even enjoy an art festival without riots and demonstrations now. This new government has given a new name to freedom and democracy. Even our dead politicians don't seem to stop haunting our present. I hope that things get better. I thought that the earthquake destroyed most of home, and it did, but now the bigger picture is threatened too.

Allah Khair Karay.

Jaana tha hummein abh jayein kahan.

I have a paper due this week and a math assignment due tommorow. I have been listening to Noori all day. It reminds me a lot of the past couple of years. I have been missing so much, so many people.I am in the homestretch for this semester. I need to really need to get some great work out there.I really hope that I can. I am scared to let this term finish. Obvious, you already knew that.

Professor Bob Goode.

Tue, Mar 10, 2009 -- Fall-2008-PSL201Y1-Y-LEC5101: Professor Goode
Dear students,

The following is a message from the course coordinators:

It is with great sadness that we announce the passing of Professor Bob Goode, a colleague, a teacher and friend. Professor Goode was involved in teaching PSL 201/200 since it’s beginning in 2000. He inspired his co-instructors and was immensely popular among students. His yearly appearance at the beginning of a Respiratory segment of the course was a welcome relief from a somewhat tedious teaching approach taken by other professors. Unlike the elaborate power point presentations used by other professors, Dr. Goode used only the blackboard and simple demonstrations. Who can forget his demonstration of the volume of the resting breath by asking for a large coffee cup from the audience or his illustration of maximal breath during exercise by pulling out a basketball from his bag of goodies?

Professor Goode not only talked the talk but he also walked the walk. His lectures included a story about a former member of the Physiology Department, Dr. John Grayson, who used a saying from the British Army that “one can walk no faster than one can talk”. Professor Good adopted this axiom and developed the famous “Talk Test” for physical fitness that he popularized in his lectures and publications.

Professor Goode passed away unexpectedly near his home in Muskoka where he lived on an island. He will be greatly missed and respectfully remembered.

The first time I heard about Professor Goode's passing, I couldn't get a word out. He was on of the best professors I have ever had. He was smart, engaging, funny and simply amazing. He was a student of Dr Kreb. He was at UofT when Roger Banister broke the 4-minute mile and he had all this history and knowledge in him. He was kind and such a good person. He was so inspirational. He made respiration physiology jump off the page and bounce right into you. I wish I could have taken more of his courses. I wish that the next decade of PSL201/200 kids could see him pull out that basketball and make the whole lecture of 400 people get out of PB and make them jog, JOG, run. I pray that he rests in peace.

The Way that things are.

Its election time at UofT and everywhere you look, people are campaigning and asking you to give them a chance. I have been at UofT for a while but this year feels very different. The whole campus is much more political now and this year, more than ever before, students are getting involved. I am looking forward to the elections and waiting for a better leadership to come to power. I am all for Jason Marin's ticket for CHANGE and I hope that he wins along with the rest of his ticket. My first reason for preferring their ticket was because he is the NCSC president as he is pretty darn good at it so I definitely want my college to represent on the UTSU. But then he came up to D and I and explained their position and I get it and I am all for it. I am going to vote for the first ever time at the UTSU elections and I am super excited.

The world is very political nowadays, much more so than I have seen it to be before. I am happy to see it and I am sad every time I come home from school and hear about what happened in Pakistan. I love my country with every fiber of my being. Both countries, Pakistan and Canada and I am proud to love them both. I don't openly talk about politics to strangers or to people outside my home because I have grown up seeing the aggression, the spirit it brings out in most of us and its a little scary to unleash that beast at times. But I did talk politics on tuesday to R and D and I am glad as hell that I did. I got to vent about how some people are hell bent on destroying one of the best places in the world and how the politicians are sitting on their asses. I wish someone like Michael Ignatieff could be the next Pakistani leader. I really wish it was possible. I know that I am not doing anything to help my country but explaining to those two girls as to why my country is not a lost cause and just in need of some old fashioned change felt good, felt right. I think that Zardari, if he intends to not have more of the pakistani people resent him, should listen to Ignatieff and replace Canada with Pakistan.

“We will occupy, we will monopolize the centre ground of Canadian politics. We will push them off to the left, we will push them off to the right and we will hold the dynamic centre ground of Canadian politics.” - Michael Ignatieff

gpb.

I loved gamma. I wonder if I will fit. HELP ME!

Change.

Barack Hussein Obama: 44th US president. As of today, there is a black man sitting in the oval office. This year has started with and promised a lot of change. I got to witness history, and yes our generation helped make it possible. Its scary to be on the verge of such a great chapter that is going to make changes to the history of our world. They will talk about it in the history books in a few decades. Standing in Sidney Smith Hall, with The Rule of St. Benedict, in my hand, there was something in that air. Change. Change.

No, tommorow is going to be just another day and nothing is going to be fixed in a day. But there is hope and change. So yes, fingers crossed Mister O.

I wish I could believe.

“Age has no reality except in the physical world. The essence of a human being is resistant to the passage of time. Our inner lives are eternal, which is to say that our spirits remain as youthful and vigorous as when we were in full bloom. Think of love as a state of grace, not the means to anything, but the alpha and omega. An end in itself.”

- Gabriel García Márquez, “Love in the Time of Cholera”

Nobody, Nobody!

Omg.Haha!So catchy!

change.

little explosions in the sky.

St. Michael's. Finally!Four years, Its been four years. Its probably more painful now to try to touch the band aid. Sandra Leucci's office was an experience. 3 hours of talking, just talking. HB action, talking and lots and lots of A4-sized sheets. Its just so hard to pick on the scab. Its much easier to put it away under a band aid and try to forget about, lest the inflammation action happens. So yes, St Mikes, after four years. I am so going to make the most of every single freaking second there.lanyard love.

HPS, JMB, PSL, HIS. Slow, steady up the steep hill.

deal.

Ami is back home now, Alhamdulilah. I hope her labs were okay. I guess we have to wait till the 27th to find out. Its just scary, fall, a scary time. September started off with a bang, really. Abaji is gone. Its been hard. I still can't accept his death and its hard. Last year and this year, we have had many a trips to SGH. As much as I love hospitals, the sight of her in that horrible bed and that blue gown is just something I cant stand. I have been thinking a lot about stuff lately and I don't think that I can deal with sick parents, I just cant. I am the eldest and can't show any tears even when the doctor is ripping apart someone who you love more than anything else in this world. I am abus' eyes and ears here so can't let a worry line slip or a tear in front of anyone. But I am scared, scared for them. I know that its a part of life and I can do sickness just fine but parents being sick is just a league of its own. September and october are such hard months. There is that horrible earthquake, the cousins lost, the home, the friends and then there is abaji's death, the two thyroidectomies, uff. It just better be okay. I seriously play that it is. Not TB, not cancer, nothing major, please. I just can't deal and be all grownup.

Please

I pray, pray, pray, pray, pray that today is a better day than yesterday:(

on death.

Since I was a kid, I have been taught that death is a certain time that is assigned to every single person. When you die, your soul leaves you. Ami says that your 'rooh' leaves your body and you are dead. I understand the concept of a person's spirit leaving their body and once thats done, all thats left behind is a hollow shell. Its an empty body and the person who the body once belonged to is gone. He has left so you technically don't have any relation to that body. We have been taught key har aek ka time muqarar hai. Yes, so every one has to die sooner or later and thats okay and as they die their soul leaves that body. Then, what is medicine?What is this science?Why is it possible for someone to be revived if their heart stops?Once the heart stops, their pulse is no more. No breathing so death. All of them keep talking about how it was time for him to go. It was pre-destined for him to go at that time, then what is this about resuscitation?Just because we belive that the soul is gone, the person is dead and hence there is a DNR status on them?For what its worth, and its not really worth anything, I would have resuscitated!I would have for hours, until I could get a pulse or another contraction. If it was indeed a cardiac arrrest, what kind of a doctor doesnt revive the patient?All I know, have learnt recently, is that be it CMH, Muzaffarabad, or Shifa, Islamabad, nothing changed. They died at their pre-determined time and there was no reviving the patient. So we let the blood go cold, the enzymes denature, the systems shut and call the time of death. Its all just planned.
Resuscitate

09/02/2008.

It’s been eleven days since we got the call. Chachu called from Al-Shifa saying that you are gone. So, the doctors announced it a few minutes after Abu and Chachu hung up and you were there. You were there, still sick, quiet, sleeping, with blue nails. And then a few minutes later, you were gone. The warm person in that body, the one we knew and loved, loved, and loved some more was gone. I don’t know who woke me up and told me about you. I got up, picked up my duppatta and ran downstairs to Ishfaq Chachu’s room. Aji was crying, Aemon, Mona, Sarah were crying. Chachu and Abu were silent, as if frozen. All the phones were ringing and they were all crying. My body felt like it went into septic shock for a few moments. Heisdead, dead, dead, dead. OMG, He is dead. I sat down by the mirror and just broke, broke down. All the bad dreams, all the anxiety, the restlessness was this. You were leaving this world when I went to bed. How could I not have felt it? I prayed so much that you would live. I prayed Yaseen for you just the night before. Abu and Chachu looked broken and I think that maybe God planned it this way. Your nails becoming blue, Altaf Chachu noticing and telling Abu and Abu telling him what to do. Niar was at the door, he came in and called. Time of death-Time of death. We have been praying and missing you. I don’t know how to live in this world without you. I don’t think any of us can imagine you dead and buried six feet under. They said you were glowing when they got you ready. Oh Abaji, I don’t know what to say. Do I miss you? Do I ask you for forgiveness? What do I do? How can you not be there in our lives anymore? You had to see our graduations, our careers, our marriages, our kids and you saw none of it. Bu lagas!Bu rachhap lagas! They say that you are in a better place and I am sure you are, I am sure. This is the only place I know and you aren’t here and its hard and I cant take it. I cried on the bus yesterday. I just cant look at a picture of you and think about all the time you were here, in our house, happy and sad and sick. But now, we cant hold your hand any more or kiss you. You hated that, all of us annoying girls kissing you all the time. You used to get so mad at us. You thought key moon kharab hota hai. Of course, we know key ni hota. We also know that you loved it. You knew you would miss that once you were back in Pakistan. I miss you so much and I am so sorry that I couldn’t talk to your doctors. I should have asked them. You wanted me to go to school in Lahore because Lahore is the best place in the world for education, for medicine. I told you about Canada and the States and you got it. You understood why we are here and then you told me to go to the States. You never thought of Canada much, after all gaoon hai, aur kia! I miss throwing my mattress near the edge of your bed and sleeping there and listening to you pray for Abu, chachus and all of us. You missed all of us so you came here and for that, I cannot be more thankful to Allah. We got to see you, spend time with you, love you, hurt you and take care of you. I miss you praying for us because I know that no one else will pray for us anymore. My Abu is an orphan now and I don’t know how to understand that. You were in every one of our plans. You were supposed to come back this winter. You were supposed to be here with us. You were supposed to be alive. You always thought that I talked a lot, I wonder why I didn’t get to talk to you. I should have talked to you. We had the calling card, we had it all and yet we didn’t get a chance to talk. You asked me to come to Pakistan to see you, all of us girls. I should have known then. I should have understood. But I didn’t. How could I have imagined that your last Ramadan here would be the last you will ever see. A lot is going to change here and some already has. I want to change so much so that when you look down from your beautiful new home, you are proud and you are happy. I want you to be happy. You have Boba there, and your brothers, your sisters and your parents. I just have no words to explain. I talk a lot but I don’t speak much. My words are like hollow like the person that I am. I wish I could have had more time with you, we all wish that. Aji is going to Muzaffarabad this weekend. I am happy that she is going. I wish that we all could have gone but it just couldn’t happen. Last night, Altaf and Ishfaq Chachu were getting your gravestone made. Your gravestone. Its just so hard to not be able to come home, say salaam to hug, hug you till you get mad and tell us off. We all miss you Abaji and our words are just not even enough to do justice to you. But, I know that I will write down everything that comes in my head because I want to preserve every last memory that I have of you. You led such a wonderful life and Allah loved you so much that he gave you death, the way you wanted it. We will pray all Ramadan and after that and we wont ever forget you. We just can’t forget you. I just hope that you are well and happy where you are. I have so much more to say and I will say it. I just need to find the words first, the right ones, the ones that are good enough.

02/09/08.

So he's gone.

For my dearest.

You know how we always ask for miracles, This time, we really, really need one!

t-7 days.

omgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomg!

Now that you have tasted blood, would you jump?

All this summer has been about the MCAT prep. From May to July, all I did was go to Princeton Review and learn/re-learn everything about Science/VR/WS that I have ever learnt. I go through sticky notes, highlighters, pens, pencils, erasers like the stationary monster, if there was one. But now, for the last two weeks, I haven't done anything. I am scared shitless. Someone who has a cgpa twice the size of mine didnt do so well on his test, I don't know what my chances are now. I feel burnt out or maybe just lazy. I have most of my re-reading to go through and I just can't seem to focus. I am so ADHD that its not even funny. I wonder how the other folks in my class are doing/did. The test feels overwhelming. I am scared and I don't even know how and when school re-opens in the fall. Abu's here and I should have talked to him. I can't, I just can't. I have tasted blood this summer. To be there in that environment, you want it more and more. I can't imagine anything but this now. This is what I want and I am going to get there. The thing about OMSAS better be true, better help me. Next year and the year after.I wan't my spot in med school so badly. Argh, it kills me to be there, yet so far. If I hadn't fucked up in the last three or so years, I would have been better off, so MUCH better off. Um, yes.

summer?

MCAT