I wish I could believe.

“Age has no reality except in the physical world. The essence of a human being is resistant to the passage of time. Our inner lives are eternal, which is to say that our spirits remain as youthful and vigorous as when we were in full bloom. Think of love as a state of grace, not the means to anything, but the alpha and omega. An end in itself.”

- Gabriel García Márquez, “Love in the Time of Cholera”

Nobody, Nobody!

Omg.Haha!So catchy!

change.

little explosions in the sky.

St. Michael's. Finally!Four years, Its been four years. Its probably more painful now to try to touch the band aid. Sandra Leucci's office was an experience. 3 hours of talking, just talking. HB action, talking and lots and lots of A4-sized sheets. Its just so hard to pick on the scab. Its much easier to put it away under a band aid and try to forget about, lest the inflammation action happens. So yes, St Mikes, after four years. I am so going to make the most of every single freaking second there.lanyard love.

HPS, JMB, PSL, HIS. Slow, steady up the steep hill.

deal.

Ami is back home now, Alhamdulilah. I hope her labs were okay. I guess we have to wait till the 27th to find out. Its just scary, fall, a scary time. September started off with a bang, really. Abaji is gone. Its been hard. I still can't accept his death and its hard. Last year and this year, we have had many a trips to SGH. As much as I love hospitals, the sight of her in that horrible bed and that blue gown is just something I cant stand. I have been thinking a lot about stuff lately and I don't think that I can deal with sick parents, I just cant. I am the eldest and can't show any tears even when the doctor is ripping apart someone who you love more than anything else in this world. I am abus' eyes and ears here so can't let a worry line slip or a tear in front of anyone. But I am scared, scared for them. I know that its a part of life and I can do sickness just fine but parents being sick is just a league of its own. September and october are such hard months. There is that horrible earthquake, the cousins lost, the home, the friends and then there is abaji's death, the two thyroidectomies, uff. It just better be okay. I seriously play that it is. Not TB, not cancer, nothing major, please. I just can't deal and be all grownup.

Please

I pray, pray, pray, pray, pray that today is a better day than yesterday:(

on death.

Since I was a kid, I have been taught that death is a certain time that is assigned to every single person. When you die, your soul leaves you. Ami says that your 'rooh' leaves your body and you are dead. I understand the concept of a person's spirit leaving their body and once thats done, all thats left behind is a hollow shell. Its an empty body and the person who the body once belonged to is gone. He has left so you technically don't have any relation to that body. We have been taught key har aek ka time muqarar hai. Yes, so every one has to die sooner or later and thats okay and as they die their soul leaves that body. Then, what is medicine?What is this science?Why is it possible for someone to be revived if their heart stops?Once the heart stops, their pulse is no more. No breathing so death. All of them keep talking about how it was time for him to go. It was pre-destined for him to go at that time, then what is this about resuscitation?Just because we belive that the soul is gone, the person is dead and hence there is a DNR status on them?For what its worth, and its not really worth anything, I would have resuscitated!I would have for hours, until I could get a pulse or another contraction. If it was indeed a cardiac arrrest, what kind of a doctor doesnt revive the patient?All I know, have learnt recently, is that be it CMH, Muzaffarabad, or Shifa, Islamabad, nothing changed. They died at their pre-determined time and there was no reviving the patient. So we let the blood go cold, the enzymes denature, the systems shut and call the time of death. Its all just planned.
Resuscitate

09/02/2008.

It’s been eleven days since we got the call. Chachu called from Al-Shifa saying that you are gone. So, the doctors announced it a few minutes after Abu and Chachu hung up and you were there. You were there, still sick, quiet, sleeping, with blue nails. And then a few minutes later, you were gone. The warm person in that body, the one we knew and loved, loved, and loved some more was gone. I don’t know who woke me up and told me about you. I got up, picked up my duppatta and ran downstairs to Ishfaq Chachu’s room. Aji was crying, Aemon, Mona, Sarah were crying. Chachu and Abu were silent, as if frozen. All the phones were ringing and they were all crying. My body felt like it went into septic shock for a few moments. Heisdead, dead, dead, dead. OMG, He is dead. I sat down by the mirror and just broke, broke down. All the bad dreams, all the anxiety, the restlessness was this. You were leaving this world when I went to bed. How could I not have felt it? I prayed so much that you would live. I prayed Yaseen for you just the night before. Abu and Chachu looked broken and I think that maybe God planned it this way. Your nails becoming blue, Altaf Chachu noticing and telling Abu and Abu telling him what to do. Niar was at the door, he came in and called. Time of death-Time of death. We have been praying and missing you. I don’t know how to live in this world without you. I don’t think any of us can imagine you dead and buried six feet under. They said you were glowing when they got you ready. Oh Abaji, I don’t know what to say. Do I miss you? Do I ask you for forgiveness? What do I do? How can you not be there in our lives anymore? You had to see our graduations, our careers, our marriages, our kids and you saw none of it. Bu lagas!Bu rachhap lagas! They say that you are in a better place and I am sure you are, I am sure. This is the only place I know and you aren’t here and its hard and I cant take it. I cried on the bus yesterday. I just cant look at a picture of you and think about all the time you were here, in our house, happy and sad and sick. But now, we cant hold your hand any more or kiss you. You hated that, all of us annoying girls kissing you all the time. You used to get so mad at us. You thought key moon kharab hota hai. Of course, we know key ni hota. We also know that you loved it. You knew you would miss that once you were back in Pakistan. I miss you so much and I am so sorry that I couldn’t talk to your doctors. I should have asked them. You wanted me to go to school in Lahore because Lahore is the best place in the world for education, for medicine. I told you about Canada and the States and you got it. You understood why we are here and then you told me to go to the States. You never thought of Canada much, after all gaoon hai, aur kia! I miss throwing my mattress near the edge of your bed and sleeping there and listening to you pray for Abu, chachus and all of us. You missed all of us so you came here and for that, I cannot be more thankful to Allah. We got to see you, spend time with you, love you, hurt you and take care of you. I miss you praying for us because I know that no one else will pray for us anymore. My Abu is an orphan now and I don’t know how to understand that. You were in every one of our plans. You were supposed to come back this winter. You were supposed to be here with us. You were supposed to be alive. You always thought that I talked a lot, I wonder why I didn’t get to talk to you. I should have talked to you. We had the calling card, we had it all and yet we didn’t get a chance to talk. You asked me to come to Pakistan to see you, all of us girls. I should have known then. I should have understood. But I didn’t. How could I have imagined that your last Ramadan here would be the last you will ever see. A lot is going to change here and some already has. I want to change so much so that when you look down from your beautiful new home, you are proud and you are happy. I want you to be happy. You have Boba there, and your brothers, your sisters and your parents. I just have no words to explain. I talk a lot but I don’t speak much. My words are like hollow like the person that I am. I wish I could have had more time with you, we all wish that. Aji is going to Muzaffarabad this weekend. I am happy that she is going. I wish that we all could have gone but it just couldn’t happen. Last night, Altaf and Ishfaq Chachu were getting your gravestone made. Your gravestone. Its just so hard to not be able to come home, say salaam to hug, hug you till you get mad and tell us off. We all miss you Abaji and our words are just not even enough to do justice to you. But, I know that I will write down everything that comes in my head because I want to preserve every last memory that I have of you. You led such a wonderful life and Allah loved you so much that he gave you death, the way you wanted it. We will pray all Ramadan and after that and we wont ever forget you. We just can’t forget you. I just hope that you are well and happy where you are. I have so much more to say and I will say it. I just need to find the words first, the right ones, the ones that are good enough.

02/09/08.

So he's gone.

For my dearest.

You know how we always ask for miracles, This time, we really, really need one!

t-7 days.

omgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomg!

Now that you have tasted blood, would you jump?

All this summer has been about the MCAT prep. From May to July, all I did was go to Princeton Review and learn/re-learn everything about Science/VR/WS that I have ever learnt. I go through sticky notes, highlighters, pens, pencils, erasers like the stationary monster, if there was one. But now, for the last two weeks, I haven't done anything. I am scared shitless. Someone who has a cgpa twice the size of mine didnt do so well on his test, I don't know what my chances are now. I feel burnt out or maybe just lazy. I have most of my re-reading to go through and I just can't seem to focus. I am so ADHD that its not even funny. I wonder how the other folks in my class are doing/did. The test feels overwhelming. I am scared and I don't even know how and when school re-opens in the fall. Abu's here and I should have talked to him. I can't, I just can't. I have tasted blood this summer. To be there in that environment, you want it more and more. I can't imagine anything but this now. This is what I want and I am going to get there. The thing about OMSAS better be true, better help me. Next year and the year after.I wan't my spot in med school so badly. Argh, it kills me to be there, yet so far. If I hadn't fucked up in the last three or so years, I would have been better off, so MUCH better off. Um, yes.

summer?

MCAT

for her, who taught me all the words.

I don't know how it can be eleven years already. I think I remember the feeling when I heard about you. I was wearing Mara Api's red and golden choli and we were playing dulhan dulhan. I almost fell off the ledge of Amma's bethak when we got the news. How can it be 2008 already?How can it be that I have not yet dreamt about you?This life has changed in case you are wondering or can somehow read this. I miss you. I have missed you since june 30, 1997. I have become much of a disgrace and maybe thats why you don't want to bother but can you just bother a little?I have so many words that I want to say that when I open my mouth to speak, I just choke on them. Its hard missing you when I have shamelessly forgotten so much of you, of what you taught me. I think of you, maybe not all the time but I do, as much as I can.

I have realised that I don't know who I am anymore. I am a bit of everyone I meet and thats not anyone. Its just a collage of instants and moments and not a person, a whole person. I need you here the most. I need you, period. Tommorow, I am accepting T, rather, I think I am. I don't know. Its these hollow days, I am counting down. Friday is going to hurt. Its going to be pain of a different sort. Tonight is a pain in the league of its own and so is everyday.

I am turning a new leaf or I am trying very hard as of today. I will struggle, hurt, work through this. Its going to be huge. I deserve huge, you deserve huge. I have never loved anyone as much as I do you. I want you to know that. I don't say much out loud anymore as my words and my worth cannot compare. I miss you and I love you and may God keep you in his good graces. You are the ruler of hearts, you were and you are and I want to be like you starting tonight.

I always say that and I am going to carry through. I have lost way too much of me and my way. I need to get back to whats right. I do. I really do.

Tell me how am I supposed to breathe with no air?

Its a 4 letter word and a three letter that decides everything.

O'lord!

Vraiment.

Les temps sont durs pour les rêveurs

THE LAST LECTURE

This.

time, where did you go?

I measure time by the number of pages I highlight. How many chapters, passages, homework problems. There are just not enough numbers of hours in the day. Its been harder than I expected. I am walking on egg shells and its not getting any easier. By this time, the shells should have been the least of my worries but thats all I have at the back of my mind.

I really need a corner. A corner to just do this in and not to leave it till I am done. From Israel, exchanges, CNN internships, Mcleans, Law School, Med School, Business School, Carribean vs. Canada vs. US, Atlantic Bridging, Poland. I need that corner just about now.

TRL needs to be less crowded. It does.

If there is ever going to be a way for me,

I really need this to work. You know what it is that I need. You know why I need it. You know how much I need it. I am lost already but this will help me fix me, fix all of this. This mess that I have tucked under the carpet under layers of stuff to cover it up. I really need this to go well. Really, really badly.

I asked myself whether or not I am tough enough for this. After almost 21 years of existing, I really am shocked, ashamed, afraid of that question. There is no die for me, its do. It seriously is do, do, do and no die. I am not weak. You didn't fail. This is going to work. I swear I am going to make it so.

HELP!

Four minutes to save the world.

This summer is going to be crazy. Its pretty major in the grand scheme of things. I have to basically make this the best I have ever had. I have to work till I drop. Study day and night and afternoons. I have to make things right, take good decisions and actually decide about the future, something that I have been avoiding for over a year. I am scared, excited but the thought of afternoons spent at TRL really is exciting. I need lots of luck going into the major leagues and I have to think about T as well. I really think I should go but I have to think about it, pray on it to get some clarity.

M and guys are coming this summer so that should be fun. Abu is also coming. He has a sixth sense about us children, he really does. S and I haven't been talking and none of us told him but he asked me as if he was sure. He is the best and he deserves the best so I hope that the qualifying goes well for S kal and so she can make it into Com. I have a long battle of a summer ahead. Walking into a minefield, seriously.

People really overhyped the new madonna album. Her album actually sucks, no really. I don't understand how she sold millions. The tracks are shit and its the just cheesy. Except 4 minutes. Even that doesn't save the album.

tick. tock.