for her, who taught me all the words.

I don't know how it can be eleven years already. I think I remember the feeling when I heard about you. I was wearing Mara Api's red and golden choli and we were playing dulhan dulhan. I almost fell off the ledge of Amma's bethak when we got the news. How can it be 2008 already?How can it be that I have not yet dreamt about you?This life has changed in case you are wondering or can somehow read this. I miss you. I have missed you since june 30, 1997. I have become much of a disgrace and maybe thats why you don't want to bother but can you just bother a little?I have so many words that I want to say that when I open my mouth to speak, I just choke on them. Its hard missing you when I have shamelessly forgotten so much of you, of what you taught me. I think of you, maybe not all the time but I do, as much as I can.

I have realised that I don't know who I am anymore. I am a bit of everyone I meet and thats not anyone. Its just a collage of instants and moments and not a person, a whole person. I need you here the most. I need you, period. Tommorow, I am accepting T, rather, I think I am. I don't know. Its these hollow days, I am counting down. Friday is going to hurt. Its going to be pain of a different sort. Tonight is a pain in the league of its own and so is everyday.

I am turning a new leaf or I am trying very hard as of today. I will struggle, hurt, work through this. Its going to be huge. I deserve huge, you deserve huge. I have never loved anyone as much as I do you. I want you to know that. I don't say much out loud anymore as my words and my worth cannot compare. I miss you and I love you and may God keep you in his good graces. You are the ruler of hearts, you were and you are and I want to be like you starting tonight.

I always say that and I am going to carry through. I have lost way too much of me and my way. I need to get back to whats right. I do. I really do.