09/02/2008.

It’s been eleven days since we got the call. Chachu called from Al-Shifa saying that you are gone. So, the doctors announced it a few minutes after Abu and Chachu hung up and you were there. You were there, still sick, quiet, sleeping, with blue nails. And then a few minutes later, you were gone. The warm person in that body, the one we knew and loved, loved, and loved some more was gone. I don’t know who woke me up and told me about you. I got up, picked up my duppatta and ran downstairs to Ishfaq Chachu’s room. Aji was crying, Aemon, Mona, Sarah were crying. Chachu and Abu were silent, as if frozen. All the phones were ringing and they were all crying. My body felt like it went into septic shock for a few moments. Heisdead, dead, dead, dead. OMG, He is dead. I sat down by the mirror and just broke, broke down. All the bad dreams, all the anxiety, the restlessness was this. You were leaving this world when I went to bed. How could I not have felt it? I prayed so much that you would live. I prayed Yaseen for you just the night before. Abu and Chachu looked broken and I think that maybe God planned it this way. Your nails becoming blue, Altaf Chachu noticing and telling Abu and Abu telling him what to do. Niar was at the door, he came in and called. Time of death-Time of death. We have been praying and missing you. I don’t know how to live in this world without you. I don’t think any of us can imagine you dead and buried six feet under. They said you were glowing when they got you ready. Oh Abaji, I don’t know what to say. Do I miss you? Do I ask you for forgiveness? What do I do? How can you not be there in our lives anymore? You had to see our graduations, our careers, our marriages, our kids and you saw none of it. Bu lagas!Bu rachhap lagas! They say that you are in a better place and I am sure you are, I am sure. This is the only place I know and you aren’t here and its hard and I cant take it. I cried on the bus yesterday. I just cant look at a picture of you and think about all the time you were here, in our house, happy and sad and sick. But now, we cant hold your hand any more or kiss you. You hated that, all of us annoying girls kissing you all the time. You used to get so mad at us. You thought key moon kharab hota hai. Of course, we know key ni hota. We also know that you loved it. You knew you would miss that once you were back in Pakistan. I miss you so much and I am so sorry that I couldn’t talk to your doctors. I should have asked them. You wanted me to go to school in Lahore because Lahore is the best place in the world for education, for medicine. I told you about Canada and the States and you got it. You understood why we are here and then you told me to go to the States. You never thought of Canada much, after all gaoon hai, aur kia! I miss throwing my mattress near the edge of your bed and sleeping there and listening to you pray for Abu, chachus and all of us. You missed all of us so you came here and for that, I cannot be more thankful to Allah. We got to see you, spend time with you, love you, hurt you and take care of you. I miss you praying for us because I know that no one else will pray for us anymore. My Abu is an orphan now and I don’t know how to understand that. You were in every one of our plans. You were supposed to come back this winter. You were supposed to be here with us. You were supposed to be alive. You always thought that I talked a lot, I wonder why I didn’t get to talk to you. I should have talked to you. We had the calling card, we had it all and yet we didn’t get a chance to talk. You asked me to come to Pakistan to see you, all of us girls. I should have known then. I should have understood. But I didn’t. How could I have imagined that your last Ramadan here would be the last you will ever see. A lot is going to change here and some already has. I want to change so much so that when you look down from your beautiful new home, you are proud and you are happy. I want you to be happy. You have Boba there, and your brothers, your sisters and your parents. I just have no words to explain. I talk a lot but I don’t speak much. My words are like hollow like the person that I am. I wish I could have had more time with you, we all wish that. Aji is going to Muzaffarabad this weekend. I am happy that she is going. I wish that we all could have gone but it just couldn’t happen. Last night, Altaf and Ishfaq Chachu were getting your gravestone made. Your gravestone. Its just so hard to not be able to come home, say salaam to hug, hug you till you get mad and tell us off. We all miss you Abaji and our words are just not even enough to do justice to you. But, I know that I will write down everything that comes in my head because I want to preserve every last memory that I have of you. You led such a wonderful life and Allah loved you so much that he gave you death, the way you wanted it. We will pray all Ramadan and after that and we wont ever forget you. We just can’t forget you. I just hope that you are well and happy where you are. I have so much more to say and I will say it. I just need to find the words first, the right ones, the ones that are good enough.