I get overwhelmed when I go into Gerstein. I think its because of my insecurity when I am in that place. All the people who are in Life Science study at Gerstein. You got to the computers, the person next to you has the same Human Bio course book as you, hence in your class. You look at them and then on the screen they are looking at, they are reviewing lecture notes, or listening to lecture recordings or even on Biome.
It scares you so you move and get yourself to a corner spot. A couple of people on the next table spend the whole day reading The Bio text book and annotating their slides, memorising, reading, learning. You look at yourself, the fool that you are, the over ambitious dumb ass who hasn't yet seen a sight of a 4.0 gpa at uoft. You feel so disgusted with yourself, You hate your life. You don't hate life sciences but you hate the school you are at. You feel heavy, you feel like crying. You rush to the ladies room. You lock yourself up in a stall and have a good cry. You are still conscious of the others in the washroom, so you hurry out, wash your face with ice cold water and get out of there before anyone sees your puffy, bloodshot eyes. You are walking out when you run into people from your classes. You see Wess, you try to avoid him but you say hi. Then you see Alina and Raza walk out and Alina stops you for a little chat. You open the door to the stairs and you see Usman with his bunch of friends who know your other friends(who are all life sciencers). You make small-talk with them while your head is pounding.
You finally get out, breath the cold winter air. You see Con Hall in front of you. You feel happysad. You know that this is/was your first choice. You loved it when you came here for the first visit. You are happy because you feel warm knowing the giant commonly known as Uoft but you feel sad at the lack of work you do, even though you are here. You feel so gutted. The aweful feeling of being at Gerstein returns when you are crossing King's Circle and approaching Knox.
Your head is heavy and so you decide to go home. After a two hour commute later, you are home with your books open but you feel too tired to work so you go to sleep. You wake up the next morning, get ready for class, pack up your books, print off the lecture slides and head out. You decide to work at woodsworth today and you go into the study space, find a table, lamp and chair and sit your ass down for the longest, grueling 9-6 studying period before your HMB midterm in Kruger Hall. You study during the day, taking a long an hour and a half lunch with Aila where all you can think about is how you will screw up the midterm. Your food tastes like nothing but you eat it because you are hungry and you get back to work. You give your midterm and you come out. You feel weirdly numb(comfortably, perhaps?). You feel lighter. You don't know the outcome yet. You think that you gave it your best.
You feel lighter. The ride home from campus doesn't feel so long anymore. You actually feel happy inside your head. You try to compare it to something you have felt before. You remember it and you smile. It was always this. This was exactly what you were missing. The high that you have after you feel like you have genuinely gotten some work done is where you feel most releived. The warmest in your own skin and definitely as your most beautiful.
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