I used to remember that long, long ago, I was the person who craved to be anything that I wasn't. I wanted to change everything about me, whether it was the people I was(or rather not hanging out with), the music I liked, the clothes I wore. Basically I wanted so much change in myself and it happened. It took time and some of it was great but you know they say that, 'too much of anything is bad', well it is-bad- if not ugly. It never occured to me, the greatness of all that we were and we could have been, I just wanted it all to be different. changechangechangechange. I wish that it was not the end result that I was in love with but the thrill of that chase for change. Hah, I have lost all compassion for everything that I once held sacred, close to my heart and now I am just a sell-out of what I thought was a 'charmed life'. No fucking way, it isn't. Now I find myself thinking 'what if this' more than a healthy number of times a day and I find myself understanding how the more things change, the more they stay the same. Nothing short of brilliance has happened since 99-till now but nothing less than horrendous has happened too. I am still the same person who craves change, it was once a strength. Now, its just a compulsion. I still want to change to be something else(this time its actually more than necessary) but really, what differs me from that starry eyed 11-year old.
The greeks have a great way of summening things up and change is one letter to them, a mere letter. A little triangle is my life's story.
4 comments:
OMG GOD..I didnt know u still wrote this blog, I checked I dunno why after ages, truth is and u might hate me is that I got confused that I thought u started writing another blog and couldnt remember wat it was and Im so fuckin stupid I couldnt remember ur blog until today and i gave it a shot and i found ur writings from yesterday and I hate to read it I hate ur blog I hate that your so much in pain..this might just be the perfect place to say this after all ur blog entries that CHANGE is not what u want, u are in constant rebellion with yourself and u've been upset over the 'changes' of ur life,ur values, u! all of u for such a long time..so I ask u what have u noticed different of ur last post and ur first or second post..?? I see no change I see no different, do u think its time for u to maybe EMBRACE ur self...I've had this epiphany ages ago. If u try to change u fuck up thats the truth..dont even try. Live what u are, after all what are u afraid of sadaf? seriously u have a loving famiyl and friends, yes there are expectations but I've come to know that these expectant people are unfair, that if they expect they should teach and mold u and hold u and guide u then expect of u.How do they want so much of us, yet never giving enough? THink sadaf , think...this is wrong, dont change, embrace it. Your posts hurt me man, its horrible. I see repressed anger and hate and thats absolutely human, so dont change, deal with ur hate. The only reason u cant change after wanting too is because u really dont want that, u love ur famiyl and ur values u just need a new way to look at things. Dont fuck it all up, not now, not after everything. Find u,sadaf I swear. -M
the grass is always greener on the other side...cliche'...i know...no matter how far we go there is a part of us we cannot run away from...the part we try hard to be without...the part that is never content
arey paaaji, tussi khush hojaoo, and bee yooorselfff tusse great
echoes. =)
get well soon.
you shouldn't forgive yourself for this. because you weren't responsible. forgive fate.
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