I am exhausted and can definitely do with a vacation right about now.

I hate how we have all become fragments.

We burried truth under playgrounds.

At the end of the day, you are alone with the things you have done.

(asofterworld)

Not stuck in reverse!

Yesterday, Poshi got her O level marks. She did brilliantly, that girl. She deserved it and SO much more. I remember it like yesterday when I went home after IB and there she was running around Mara Api and I debating between doing Matric or its british equivelent. She couldnt make her mind up, heh. Deep down, though, it was obvious that she was bound to do the Os and pass them flying colours. Never did she nor I think that years later, when she would be done, she would be in Islamabad and not Muzaffarabad in the comfort of her Upper Chattar home, getting phone calls and best wishes from cousins, aunts and friends, alike. We would have been driving around in Chachu's or Masood Uncle's gaari, going down to Madina Market, spending the last of every penny in our pockets for junk we didnt need and then going up to Chinari and pigging out while watching our serene little town.

Now our houses are rented out by NGOs who have been sitting on their asses and not doing anything to mend the cracks(literal ones) in our walls, roads, schools. Islamabad is (apparently) the new home now. The thought of it being home was nice before the earthquake, but now, we all just want to be back home. For now, Poshi is settling for a video I-pod, lots of phone calls and happysad tears all around. My youngest phupo is a trooper, she made all the difference.

:)

greysisdefinitelynotmedicinebutthisisit.

"Too often, the thing you want most is the one thing you can't have.Desire leaves us heartbroken, it wears us out. Desire can wreck your life. But as tough as wanting something can be...the people who suffer the most,are those who don't know what they want."

- Grey's Anatomy

I live for yesterdays.

If you know me, you would know how I love to rant about/think about my life currently compared to what it used it be.

You live for yesterdays

, a friend once pointed out to me. I wish that we could go back into that tiny window of time and live some of the good, some of the bad and even some of the nasty, just so that the life we are in today doesn't seem so aweful. I spend hours thinking about how one decision changed our course of life and then another one changed it more and then another brought us through twists and turns and led us to this. My mind has gotten used to multi tasking/thinking now. I can think about 'yesterday's debate' while doing whatever it maybe: work, read, study, panick, have a conversation with a friend about how her ex- and her were just a wrong fit or how your low gpa from first year will not completely screw up your chances of getting into Med School or even how I should be using the tredmill lying uselessly in the garrage.

I feel the change that I have gone through in the last 8 or so years. From being that shy little kashmiri girl to being a loud, outspoken, often corky and (seemingly) well- centered girl. I don't like what the transformation has led to and seeing all this change makes some people very happy and often proud of me. But this change doesn't seem to me as major as people around me feel it to be. I am still the same in-secure person who could(/does) cry at the drop of a hat. I still can't say what I feel and still keep everything botteled up in me. I hate how this 'exterior' change is something that people love to compliment and so I love to dig into old memories, times, things to make myself feel better. Life isn't horrible. Its just me, who can't stop complaining. I hate how post secret has to have the right postcard at the time when my mind is over worked, worried and too tired to let me sleep.

Maybe I should stop- here- now.

make sense?NO!NEVER

I wish I knew how to say what I feel.

I wish I was not a coward and could just say it, despite the consequences that would surely be very un-ordinary. Its scary when you are sitting alone in a brightly lit room, yet see/feel grey around you.


You are as sick as your secrets.

Potter!

Rowling has all of us dancing on the ink of her pen. Even khana can wait whilst we finish chapters and digest each word to the fullest. MCAT prep on hold until the weekend. Work and HP this week:D

666=zero.

The cool basemeet in the Khan household was used to the loud clacker of the ludo dice against the orange tyelenol bottle. It was a noise that was a regular one during sleepless summer nights, full of sloppy indian movies, re-runs of friends and the OC, ludo, cards and ofcourse tonnes and tonnes of junk food.

The ludo posse consisted of the somewhat fantastic and fanatical foursome; Zoya, Hina, Zainab and Mano. The four cousins would spent hours going around those tiny little boxes on a ludo board that they miraculously found at the start of what might have been a boring/quiet summer break. Each game of pawns and dice would be followed by snack time/nap time/ venting time. The most frequent loser, Zoya, would bitch at the other three to the point where the group would rather sleep(like thats any use in the summmer) than play ludo with partners with any of the remaining three in the group. Hence, the only way forward would be individual game, where all four would go head to head against each other.

Cut, cut, cut, cut, runnn mann, runnnnnn, double ko paas ni kar saktay, ohh meri star peh hai, and, the the crowd pleaser, single pawn cutting a triple was everyone's fav. except the one who would get cut. It got an aplause every single time it happened and happened all so very often to Zoya, who previously beleived that ludo was HER thing.These four cousins would battle it out every night all throught the dry and humid june till july. No one kept count of how many times they played but the pile of wrappers of 5 rupee ki jet sport and empty pepsi bottles would be evidence enough of the magnitude of the intensity in the room. Finally, it would be Chachi's scream from the third floor that would send the girls running and off to bed, leaving behind the dice where it was and the pawns lined up exactly the way they were to be picked up again next night.

3 am was the time that Chachi would call out to them. 'Utho warna mein aati hoon' would the curfew and then the loud party room would be left silent and dark. The only sounds getting the room through the rest of the night would be the zrrrrs of all of the individuals ACs that would be on in each of the bed rooms and the drops of water that would drip down from the tiny exit pipes at the back.The formerly lively living room would await life that would come back with nightfall and end to begin the cyle again at sehri.

Get away!

You know that you are beyond helpless when the tv show,you spent your teenage years despising and venting against, becomes the main activity of your time. I never knew that kids in Newport beach would make me re-consider my life. I am stuck in a spiral.

Tearing up to fictional teenage drama!Is this what I am bargaining for now?

twenty.

Its going to be a brand new year and I mean that. I always make promises, which I never end up following through. This year, no more promises - actions. Actions speak louder than words. Its always great to have something old and familiar when you are putting yourself out on the line. The year of the twenty:)

Repentance.

You're only as sick as your secrets
But the truth will set you free
The truth is the truth
And all you can do is live with it

- Dream Theater.
(22/6/2007)

1:09 am.

Its another night and I am back home now, again with a heavy heart.

Good bye Glenn?

There is but much to say about life and how things are here, but that can wait. The day, Saturday, April 24th '07 was all of Mr Glenn McGrath's. I wish to say more words about the happysad end of world cup 2007 but less is more during exam time. Good luck you:D

AHHH!

Stop haunting me already, I am tired of being sadtired. Tired of being sad tired.

And now all the good kids are messing up.

exams.

I am going out of my mind now. Read, read, Read, read, Read.

I don't even know if I can do this. Help me!!

Time Time Time, Oh bloody time.

Well into a wednesday.

Long, long day today. Felt totally useless for the most of it but GREEATTTT last Zoo252 lecture of the year. Beautiful course(I hope I do well in:D) and the proff is sucha funny man. He looks like one of those old (mean looking) german football(soccer coaches) but he has the funniest sense of humour. He is like me in a way, tells the most awkward jokes at the wrong times. But he is smart, maha smart. I jelous.

Right now, I am listening to Sarah, Aemon and Momina's school stories. They are so adorable and funny. It makes me feel like an aged aged person. Meh, its cute that I can relate to so much of it. Girls are such funny people when they are growing up, well minus Sarah who is already 17.

I felt very awkward when I went to shop for friday's dinner. I found nothing, actually didnt look hard enough. Eaton Center is too damn big, plus I would rather shop at Winners and not bother going from store to store. Ergh, such an awkward feeling. really strange.

I am listening to Anesthetize from PT's album. Its my first listen. First impression, love love love the begining. 16:44 mins. to go. I should update my mp3 player soon.

Back to zoo reading. cardiovascular=fascination=D.

If only it was easy to say it the way it is, we would all be at a warmer place.

forgive me?

YAY

This was ownage=D.

Nicole go next!!